It seems like we can't go a month without hearing about some weirdo woman faking a pregnancy. The most recent story brings a special twist, though: Neha Narayan, 24, of New Zealand, not only faked being pregnant for nine months, she also faked going into labor — and after she got to the hospital, she tried to steal a baby. Now, that's commitment!
The ladies' general craziness aside, here's what I'm always left wondering after hearing these reports: What exactly do these women do while faking their pregnancies? Like, way more has to go into it than just stuffing a pillow into their shirts a calling it a day. There are symptomsmood swings. A bump is only a small fraction of pregnancy.
You know what? I'm just going to do these cray-cray women a solid. Here are 5 things to do when lying about being pregnant.
Pee constantly. Well, you don't actually have to pee constantly, but make it seem like you have to pee constantly. Get up from dinner, like, three or four times. If you're driving anywhere that's an hour away, make at least one stop. And if you work in an office at a regular 9 to 5 job, you need to make seven trips to the bathroom a day. Minimum.
Have mood swings. I'm thinking if you're the kind of woman who would fake being pregnant, you're pretty familiar with mood swings. These mood swings should be "within reason," though, ladies. Don't go threatening to kill anybody here. Cry at the drop of a hat — even if you were just laughing. And get irrationally angry when your husband doesn't jump at the chance to rub your feet.
Eat weird crap. You're pregnant, right? So, let the cravings commence. Don't take the obvious route, though — pickles and ice cream. That may raise a few eyebrows as, well, I've never actually seen or heard of anyone eating such a combo. Just add your own little quirky touch to food. Something like … salt on everything! If you really want to commit, you'll even carry around a little shaker in your purse. What? You're pregnant. You can do whatever weird crap you want.
Don't sleep. Hey, you want to go Charlie's Angels 2 Full Throttle, don't you? Then no sleep for you. What, you think you should be all well-rested and bright-eyed and bushy-tailed each day? Your fake pregnant, for God's sake. Act like it.
Register. Congrats, you're having a fake baby! You should stock up on as much crap as you can. Put down the most expensive breast pump money can buy, a Pottery Barn glider, a seriously tricked out stroller. You're going to need all this stuff. Before you know it, your due date will be here! (Oh yeah — also, make up a fake due date.)
Faking a pregnancy is no easy task. It takes time, discipline, and commitment. But if you're willing to stick it out, it'll have great rewards in the end. Or, you know, not.
What other things should moms faking pregnancies do? Sound off!
Image via Joopey/Flickr
