What is it about a pregnant belly or a new baby that just screams, "I'M HELPLESS, I NEED ADVICE!" It seems like everyone — the in-laws, the neighbors, the grocery store clerk — wants to weigh in on how to raise the perfect child. And while it's well-meant (you hope, anyway), a lot of that advice will be ridiculous, outrageous, or just plain bad.
Ladies: PLEASE consult your doctor before believing anyone who tells you to put pee in your kid's eye (really) or giving them whiskey. And in the meantime, enjoy this list of the worst and most ridiculous advice moms have ever gotten.
What's the worst advice YOU'VE gotten as a mom? Can it top #4?
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To cure colic ...
blow cigarette smoke over a spoonful of formula and feed to the baby. Or, you know … don't …
If your baby is spitting up breast milk ...
then he doesn't LIKE breast milk, and you should feed him formula instead.
To prevent an outtie or umbilical hernia ...
tape a coin to your baby's belly button.
To stop your baby from being a devil child ...
spank them.
To clear a clogged tear duct ...
put pee in your child's eye.
To avoid stretching your nipples ...
don't breastfeed past a year, or you'll need plastic surgery to put them back.
More from The Stir: 24 Crazy Bits of Parenting Advice From Grandma
You'll give your baby spine damage ...
by sitting her upright in your lap.
If you ever want your baby to learn how to talk ...
NEVER teach him sign language.
If you don't want your breast milk to curdle ...
never go outside when the weather is hot.
To reduce your baby's fever ...
dress him in blue.
If a baby has a toothache ...
soak a cotton ball in whiskey and give it to her to chew on.
Don't let your kid look at the sun ...
if you don't want them to be permanently cross-eyed and blind.
To stop your baby from teething ...
let him gnaw on a bone. Like a dog.
To keep your baby healthy ...
she must wear hats and/or socks at all times … regardless of weather.
More from The Stir: 10 Snarky Responses to Unwanted Parenting Advice
If you don't want your baby to be racist ...
hire a babysitter of a different race.
Give your baby two ounces of water a day or else ...
they'll never drink water when they're older. (This one came from a pediatrician, folks!)
You child is guaranteed to become colickly if ...
you let ceiling fans — or any kind of wind — blow directly onto them.
To avoid pneumonia ...
let your baby cry to clear out their lungs.
If you don't want your baby to suffocate ...
then get rid of your cat. Cats smell milk on the baby's breath and can suffocate them while trying to lick/suck it out of the baby's mouth while they're sleeping.
To get your baby to sleep through the night ...
give him a spoonful of cough syrup before putting him to sleep.
More from The Stir: The Best Parenting Advice I Ever Got
To keep 'evil spirits' away from your baby ...
keep him away from women on their periods.
To cure your baby's ear ache ...
blow cigarette smoke in her ear and then stuff a cotton ball in it.
Don't breastfeed past one year ...
if you don't want him to develop a desire for incestuous relations.
If you want your baby to sleep through the night ...
keep her up all day.
Don't dress your baby in red ...
or it'll attract 'the evil eye'.
