Any woman who's a mom knows it's not an easy job. Pregnancy takes a massive toll on our bodies, and then the daily work of raising children takes a toll on our emotional well-being and our mental health. Motherhood comes with ceaseless exhaustion, constant pressure to be perfect, and the relentless stress of being responsible for every meal, every diaper change, every feeding, and every mess. It's a lot of work. But is that work difficult enough to make us wish we'd never had children? For some, the answer is yes. More moms than ever are admitting that they actually regret having kids, and their raw confessions have sparked controversy online.
In a groundbreaking report by BBC, real moms opened up about the complicated feelings of regret they carry with them.
"If I could turn the clock back I would not have had children," one mom, identified as Rachel, told the publication. "… If you're really maternal then that's great you've got everything you've wanted, but when you're not maternal all you've done is trap yourself."
BBC spoke to three anonymous moms for the report, each of whom said that even though they love their kids, they wouldn't have chosen to have children if they truly knew what it'd be like. Allison, a mom of two college-aged boys, told BBC she dreamed of having the stereotypical happy family, but the stress of raising her sons was unlike anything she expected. "Everybody else's needs and wants came first. The mantra for the last two decades has been 'if everybody else is happy then I'm happy,' which is a bit galling sometimes," she said. "I could have had a better career. I did the school run for 15 years, that is very limiting on a career."
Rachel told BBC that she knows her feelings are taboo, but she simply can't help it. "You feel like you've not been a good mum and it's a guilt you always carry, it never goes away and you wonder if they know," she explained. "But life shouldn't be about giving up your life, your freedom, so they can have a life."
Admitting you regret having kids isn't the behavior we traditionally expect from moms, but it's something more and more women are doing.
There's a Facebook page called I Regret Having Children that shares anonymous confessions from parents who wish they'd thought twice about having kids, and it has over 9,000 followers. In February of last year, the Guardian published a controversial piece in which almost a dozen moms copped to their feelings of regret. And popular publications Vice and Marie Claire each published similar pieces on the topic of child regret in 2016.
The reasons for child regret are varied. Some, like the moms who spoke with BBC, resent the work it takes to raise a child and feel they're being forced to put their own lives and happiness on hold. On the I Regret Having Children Facebook page, women post about regretting having children at a young age, being pressured to have kids they didn't want by demanding partners or their own parents, and feeling resentful after becoming single moms.
The confessions seem to be part of a growing trend, but as one might expect, the idea of moms regretting their decision to have children is sparking some heated reactions online.
In the discussion that took place on the BBC Facebook page, people accused these moms of being selfish and irresponsible.
Others said that even if moms feel a sense of regret, they should keep quiet about it for the sake of the kids.
But some women admitted they felt compassion for these moms and that it's not totally uncommon to feel this way.
The number of moms who truly regret having kids is difficult to nail down because the topic is still so taboo, but research suggests the feeling is more common than one might expect. BBC cited a German study from 2016 that found eight percent of 1,200 participants admitted they regretted having kids. And Vice cited research by the US Department of Health and Human Services, who conducted a survey in 2003 in which 97 percent of 7,000 mothers who participated agreed with the statement, "The rewards of being a parent are worth it despite the cost and the work it takes." That means about 3 percent of the participants disagreed with the statement, though that number doesn't automatically correlate to those participants regretting having kids. But it does suggest unhappiness.
As one BBC commenter pointed out, moms who struggle with feelings of regret may be suffering from a lack of support.
In 2018, it often feels like moms are supposed to do it all. A 2015 study found that American moms now spend 13.7 hours a week with their children, compared to 10.5 hours in 1965, despite the fact that more than 70 percent of us also work outside the home. Childcare is more expensive than ever — the national average is $196 per week for one child, and it gets even more expensive if the child is an infant — yet many mothers also can't afford to stay home because the average cost of living in most major cities has skyrocketed.
On top of the financial and time demands, there's also the rampant mommy-shaming on social media and the constant pressure to make our entire lives Pinterest-worthy and Instagram-ready. Moms these days are expected to be an insane combination of Martha Stewart, Sheryl Sandberg, and Mrs. Cleaver, and it's all too easy to crack under the pressure.
Obviously, we all want our children to feel loved -- even the moms who told BBC they regret having kids agreed on that point.
But, as women, we also want to feel valued and to have opportunities to fulfill our own needs and desires. Some people don't struggle with the pressure to "do it all," but there's nothing shameful in admitting that you do. If voicing these feelings of sadness, regret, or resentment can help other women feel less alone or encourage conversations that ultimately lead to more balance in women's lives, then kudos to these regretful moms for having the bravery to admit their true feelings.
