The time has come. The time is now. Mom (or MIL), you’ve got to go. Heck, you probably never should have been friended in the first place. Zuck should have seen you coming and said, “Hell to the no.” We should have seen you coming, should have given that friend request a hairy eyeball, and hit the delete button. But no. We were kind. We were generous. We thought, maybe she’ll be a different person online. Or, maybe she just wants to see pictures of her grandkids. Or, maybe all those personality traits she has will not be horribly exaggerated and make her seem like a complete and utter monster.
Or. Maybe. Not.
These are all the signs that you are completely 100% within your rights to block your mother or MIL on Facebook. (And even if you don't have the guts to do it, just know we unequivocally support you.)
1. She comments on all the things.
Every time you post — a pic of your kids, a rant about politics, an inspirational quote, a recipe, an inside joke meme you share with your BFF — she is on it like white on rice. It’s like she’s got the bat signal, but for your Facebook status. She needs to get her two cents in before the rest of the world, and it never quite makes sense. She makes jokes that aren't funny. And your friends are starting to openly message you about the weirdo lady, who is not only showing her crazy like a slip at Sunday service, she’s asking all kinds of questions. "What’s SMH?" "Why is there a picture of Michael Jackson eating popcorn on this thread?" Block it, girl. Block it.
2. She acts like your kids are her kids.
This starts subtly. She refers to your kids as “my babies” in comments. Then she starts sharing your pics on her feed. This is normal, right? She’s a grandmother, after all. Then it’s “My Avery” and “My Bryson” and paeons about how much they love their Granny. Inspirational quotes about grandparents and grandchildren are posted on the regular. Then articles about how parents need to STFU and sit the f*ck down, because grandparents are the ones who know how to raise kids. Articles about how when gramma babysits, gramma rules — screw what Mama says. Then she’s actually saving pics from your feed and your spouses’, reposting them without sharing — and you know she knows how to hit the damn share button — so you have no control over the privacy settings or anything else. Her profile pic is your kids. Her privacy filters are nonexistent. Block that sh*t and pretend it was an accident.
3.She Brings Facebook drama to the real world.
You make an innocent comment about your kids calling your brother Uncle Goodtimes. He has a massive beard, a gentle mien, and plays a guitar constantly (probably while smoking weed, but Mom doesn’t likely know that). You’re smart enough to block Mom from seeing it, but not smart enough to remember Older Sister can still see (oops). Who tells Mom. Who flies off the chain at what a horrible person you are, and demands you take the post down, because your little brother is a very sensitive soul and this would break his heart, and blah blah blah blah. A hour after you’re done damage control, and been badgered into taking down the post, you realize: I don’t need this crap anymore. You block anyone related to you by blood or marriage.
4. She's toxic.
And not in the sense of a Britney song. She’s a negative person who seeks to bend the world around her to her own ends, and that includes you. If you innocently forget to answer her message — or even her comment — she’ll go ballistic, bombarding you with messages about what a terrible person you are and how you don’t care about her. She may lie about having cancer. She may insinuate she’s dying. She may say that you’re the one who’s killing her. If you continue to ignore her toxic brand of nuttiness, she may drag your friends into it. This goes way beyond Facebook and probably requires a clean break, let alone a block. Just make sure your privacy settings are so high that she can’t see your friend list.
5.You’re learning way too much about her.
She might be keeping the memes on her page. But if she’s posting noxious political memes all the time, and they’re all over your Facebook feed, it might be time to step away. All they do is raise your blood pressure. You don’t want to say anything, because you’ll be dragged into an argument that refuses to see reason and which always ends with “Well, you just believe whatever the liberal media tells you.” It’s like being baited at the Thanksgiving table every single time you open Facebook.
Thanksgiving happens once a year for a reason, and it’s not because we’d die of turkey and cranberry sauce. Block it now, before it does irreparable harm to your relationship.
6.She’s fallen hard for MLM and won’t let up.
You can’t fight the two-headed dragon that is both relentless in trying to sell you something and using familial guilt to do it. Every time you open your feed, you’re bombarded with advertising — and not from Zuck. These ads come with an insinuation of “if you really loved me, you’d buy this.” Plus the product isn’t even any good. And it’s literally all she posts about. And she tries to hijack your FaceBook threads to talk about it. Block that saleswoman before you’re forced to cave.
7. She ruins all the things.
You got knocked up? She’s posting on your wall before you’ve told your friends. You found out the baby’s gender? She’s all up on your wall telling people that she can’t wait to go shopping for baby dresses with you. She announces that you’re in labor, she tells people the baby’s been born — and don’t be fooled: she knows exactly what she’s doing. She wants to bask in the attention you’re getting. She wants a piece of the pie. She’s attention-seeking — at your expense. Block her. She can still tell her friends all your business, but at least she can’t tell all of yours.
