When a couple is done having kids, it's common for the man in a heterosexual relationship to step up and get a vasectomy. After all, what's easier? A quick snip or having a woman worry about birth control for the next three or four decades? But not every guy is willing to go the vasectomy route, even when it seems like the best option for the family.
After years of battling chronic health issues and being solely responsible for making sure she doesn't get pregnant, one woman is calling out her husband for refusing to get the snip — even though he's the only one in the relationship that doesn't want anymore kids — and it's sparking a major debate.
The woman, who goes by the username QueenofmyPrinces, posted on Mumsnet that she's ready for baby #3 but her husband says no way.
She explained that she'd absolutely love to have another child but her husband isn't willing to budge and she's trying to be accepting. "My husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that," she wrote. "He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now"
Because of a health condition, the woman can't take birth control pills, so she's had an IUD since she and her husband met eight years ago, which she says has been an awful experience. Still, even though her husband doesn't want any more kids and knows about her health issues and subsequent terrible contraceptive experiences, he says he won't get a vasectomy because "he thinks it will hurt."
"He has said we can just use condoms and I agree," she added, "but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP [morning after pill]. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination? He went quiet then because what could he say to that?"
The mom said that she and her husband are at a standstill and asked what to do, and the responses got heated, fast.
A lot of people said her husband was being ridiculous and selfish.
But some argued that a vasectomy is "very final" and that she has no right to force him into having one.
In a followup comment, the original poster wrote that her husband is 37 and doesn't want to have another kid, ever. "We have spoken about whether he would want children in the future if we split up [or] I passed away (morbid I know) but he said absolutely not. He said he’s ‘done’ and absolutely does not want any more children," she wrote.
Many said that there needs to be some middle ground -- for both people involved.
A vasectomy, while less invasive than the tubal ligation surgery — or "having your tubes tied" — is still a medical procedure with possible negative side effects, such as a risk for blood clots, fluid buildup, and abnormal cysts.
Complications are rare, but you still can't force someone to have surgery, just as this woman's husband can't force her to take a morning after pill or to terminate a pregnancy. And he shouldn't be forcing her, through his refusal to act, to shoulder the burden of preventing pregnancy by herself.
Most seemed to agree on one thing: iI a man won't take responsibility for the consequences of having sex, he shouldn't be having it.
Ultimately, family planning decisions should be made together, with both parties taking equal responsibility for ensuring that a pregnancy doesn't happen. "I just want to feel that things are fair and we share the burden and decisions equally as opposed to him getting what he wants whilst I panic about getting pregnant," the original poster wrote in a later comment.
And honestly, taking responsibility for his own role in causing a pregnancy is the least her partner could do.
