As told to Lauren Levy by Marcy Castro.
TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains information about miscarriage and infant loss, which may be triggering to some.
After having two children in my late teens and early 20s, I struggled to get pregnant for 12 years.
The only thing I could think that could be causing my issues was my weight. So in 2013, I decided to change my life and have gastric bypass weight-loss surgery. With that came not only an incredible weight loss but also my fertility returned. And by December of that year, I was pregnant!
Unfortunately, that happiness was short-lived because I began spotting only a few days after the pregnancy was confirmed.
Since I had never had any issues during my previous pregnancies, I went to the emergency room to try and get some answers. That day, the doctors told me I was having a miscarriage and to come back in two days to confirm the the hCG levels were dropping.
Two days later, the day after Valentine's Day, I lost that sweet baby. I was seven weeks, six days pregnant and ended up flushing the toilet after miscarrying into it.
That was also the beginning of the end of my relationship.
The following year, I met my current husband and, after much discussion, we decided to try to have a baby.
Much to my shock, I got pregnant the very first month of trying – and we were elated! Everything was going well this time and we had a scan at 12 weeks to look for any abnormalities. During the test, our tech hinted at the gender by asking if we had any boys' names picked out.
Little did she know that just two weeks later, I'd be naming my son for cremation papers at the funeral home.
On the night of November 29, just two days after Thanksgiving, the unthinkable happened ...
At this point, we were still sort of celebrating the holiday with family visiting from out of town. We had a nice dinner out and then my family came home. I went to use the restroom and my then 18-year-old daughter, who just likes to sit and talk while I'm in the bathroom – I don't know why! – came in. But as soon as I sat down, I felt him come out with a splash. I knew. I just knew.
I immediately ordered my daughter out and quickly scooped him out of the bowl. I had only been 14 weeks and two days along.
To my complete surprise, he was alive and moving his arms and legs.
Wet from toilet water and squirming around my hands, I had to shut my eyes because I knew what was to come and I didn't want to watch him die.
I just remember screaming "NO!" so loud. I also remember my hubby begging me to come in from outside the bathroom door, and my mom (who lived with us at the time) running in just as baby Caden stopped moving.
I had to go by ambulance to the emergency room for hemorrhaging. They put my baby in a Tupperware-looking box.
I started hemorrhaging immediately after Caden passed. So much so that I couldn't get up off the toilet and my husband had to call an ambulance immediately. I refused to let my family into the bathroom until the ambulance arrived. I don't know what was going on with them or what they were feeling outside the bathroom door, sadly.
Once we got to the hospital, they threw Caden in the box and tossed it on the bedside tray. They handled both Caden and I terribly. I was sent home without them even checking to see if I'd delivered the placenta, which I hadn't. I ended up delivering that once I got home and was in the shower.
I was lucky enough to get a funeral home to pick him up after the pathologist examined him, and we were able to get a couple photos and his footprints. He was cremated and his urn is inside of a bear we take with us everywhere.
I personally didn't consider Caden a typical miscarriage.
Especially since I had already entered the second trimester and having previously had that other early miscarriage before him, I know this was different. He was big in size, the size of my palm, and he was moving. Plus, Caden was completely complete when I had him, if that makes sense. He had all of his fingers and toes. And you could clearly tell he was a boy.
Let me be clear: I miscarried but Caden was born alive. However, even if he had already passed before coming out, I would not have flushed the toilet this time. That's because of all the loss groups I'd joined after my first loss. They taught me that although he was tiny, he was still my baby and I had rights over his body and could have him buried or cremated.
Ninety-nine percent of the time when you hear "miscarriage," you assume it was small and flushed or unrecognizable. But what a lot of people don't know is that many will even consider the loss of a 19-week fetus a miscarriage. Even though to me, it's obviously a complete baby.
The doctor at the hospital seemed to believe me when I told him that Caden was born alive. But he also agreed that at that gestation, there would be no way he would have ever taken a breath, which is why he passed so quickly after birth. Unfortunately, my personal OB at the time was horrible. He refused to return my calls for over a month. He also ended up closing out his private practice shortly after as well, so I never got any answers, follow-up, or anything from them.
We didn't even have a name picked out yet for Caden, but we still wanted to honor our child.
Because it was still somewhat early in my pregnancy and we didn't know the gender for sure, we didn't have Caden's name picked out before we lost him. My husband and I decided on it at the funeral home while doing paperwork because he needed a name for the cremains to be registered under.
That was the second and last time I saw my son. We were given just 10 minutes with him at the funeral home. Just long enough to take a few photos, wrap him in a small piece of fleece I had picked out that morning, and say goodbye.
I've always wanted to share my story to let people know that my son was very much wanted and that he did exist.
I've also always wanted to help break the silence surrounding baby loss. I hope others learn that the woman sitting next to them may have a baby in heaven. There's so many things we keep under wraps that sometimes need to be brought to light. Child loss is a huge one because it affects so many women. Sometimes more than once.
I think the biggest misconception about miscarriages is that you think it won't happen to you. Or that there is a "safe zone" in pregnancy. I have friends who went in for their inductions only to find out their sweet, full-term baby was gone. It's a horrible club we're in and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
No one could give me a definite answer as to why I lost him, but I'm pretty sure I know. I think it must have been a combination of a huge fibroid that came out the day after losing him and an incompetent cervix. But I went on to have another baby, just months after my mom died, a year after Caden. But she was delivered three months premature with no answer as to why.
My entire pregnancy with her, all I did was worry. Losing Caden really showed me that ANYTHING can happen to anyone and that there is no "safe zone" in pregnancy. Because she was born so prematurely, we almost lost her, too. But thankfully, she had her big brother and grandma watching out for her. She is now 3 years old and thriving. She knows all about her "bro bro" Caden and even interacts with his urn bear.
Dr. Pari Ghodsi is a board-certified OB/GYN and although she did not treat Marcy, she tells CafeMom how her experience could be possible. "At 14 weeks, the baby has a heartbeat but the lungs are not developed so the baby would not be able to breathe or receive oxygen outside of the mother," she says. "There is nothing defined in obstetrics as a 'live miscarriage.'”
Dr. Kecia Gaither, who is double board-certified in OB/GYN and maternal fetal medicine, also offered her medical perspective on this difficult situation. "A fetus at 14 weeks is about 3-4 inches long and weighs a few ounces. Being born 'alive, breathing, and moving about' is unlikely," she says. "A miscarriage at this stage entails both the placenta and fetus being expelled. The placenta is the organ through which the fetus oxygenated and once the placenta detaches, fetal death ensues immediately thereafter."
*Disclaimer: The advice on CafeMom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
