There are passionate reasons on both sides of why you should or should not circumcise your baby. But whatever moms and dads decide, it should be a personal decision between both parents … and no one else. So imagine the fury one mom is feeling after her sister-in-law let it slip that her mother-in-law was planning a surprise bris for her son — even though both she and her fiancĂ© decided against the traditional event and the procedure that goes along with it. "It seems like a new level of crazy and violation," she wrote.
The mom-to-be explained that she and her fiancé are an interfaith couple, but his mother can't accept the fact that they don't want to circumcise her son.
Angry, the pregnant woman sought advice from Slate's Care and Feeding advice column. "My fiancĂ© was raised as a Reform Jew; I am a casual Christian," she wrote. "We have mutually decided not to circumcise our forthcoming son. His family is, to put it lightly, up in arms about our not hosting a bris. ('Because itâs a Jewish rite of passage!)."
But this is simply not something that she wants to put her newborn or herself through, especially because brises are usually held eight days after the baby is born. "Iâve tried reasoning that I wonât be up for hosting 20-plus people seven days after giving birth; Iâve tried explaining that we just wonât be circumcising; Iâve tried making the argument that itâs not sterile for a random rabbi to cut our newborn on the dining room table," she wrote. "Iâve done everything short of saying 'Because I donât want to host a penis party to expose my son to the world.'â
But her MIL seems to be ignoring the message. Thankfully, her sister-in-law let it slip that grandma-to-be is planning on hosting "surprise bris" at her house a week after the birth, and the mom is furious. "Iâm ready to fly off the handle," she wrote.
"How do I confront her about this and, God forbid, deal with a 'surprise bris' if family and a rabbi show up at our door in a few months?" she asked.
Some people were angry that the MIL would disobey this mom's wishes so blatantly.
"Do not, do not, do not leave your son alone with your FMIL, ever. She has zero respect for your decisions, and she would not be the first person grandparent to go behind the parentsâ back to get her way," one person wrote in the comments.
But another person thought the writer framed her resistance to the ceremony the wrong way. She told her MIL that she didn't want to throw the party — not that she was against it altogether. "Perhaps, therein lies a good chunk of your problem," they wrote. "You've given practical reasons why you won't be doing it. So MIL takes that as a you would if MIL can find a way to address your stated concerns."
"You need to flat-out directly tell her straight up that you don't WANT to do it, period, end of story," someone else wrote. "It doesn't matter that she'll be doing the setup, hosting, cleaning, whatever else duties, that she gets a rabbi with a medical degree from Johns Hopkins, etc, etc."
But other people explained that she doesn't need to worry; it won't be easy for her MIL to actually pull this off.
"As a reform Jew, I canât think of a single rabbi who would support, condone, or participate in a 'surprise' bris!" one person wrote. "You might consider a baby naming ceremony at the temple and sponsor the oneg [snacks after Friday night services] as an opportunity to celebrate his heritage without having to sacrifice his foreskin."
And another person agreed that no religious officiant would perform the ceremony without speaking to the parents first. "Well, some of us have been telling people that parents have to talk to the mohel ahead of time. No mohel is going to show up at a bris without having had this discussion," the person commented.
"So it's highly highly unlikely (if not technically impossible) that this kid will actually get circumcised against the parents' will," someone else added. "So if we could all dial the 'they're coming to assault your baby!' stuff down to 'people are coming to your house to have some kind of event when you're a week postpartum without your permission.' I would still be livid. [Letter Writer's] (fiancé) need to talk to his mom and make it clear that neither he nor the LW will let them in if they show up. And follow through if it comes to that."
Meanwhile, the advice columnist told the mom that her fiancé needs to put his foot down -- now.
Columnist Nicole Ciffe advised the writer that it's her fiancé who needs to address the "surprise" with his mother directly and immediately. "Your fiancé has to have this talk," she wrote. "He needs to look her in the eyes and say that this is what he wants as well."
"You are blessed in your future sister-in-law being willing to narc on the 'surprise!' bris; perhaps she and you and your fiancĂ© could plan a party, a month or so after youâre truly back on your feet, that will celebrate his side of the family and his Jewish heritage, minus any mild surgery," she suggested. She added that the mom should also consider a naming ceremony — a ceremony to present the baby with a Hebrew name — might be an appreciated compromise. "I think that might do a lot to heal this relationship," she continued.
She also reminded the mom that perhaps her MIL is acting a little crazy because she's afraid.
"I do think she is behaving outrageously, but I also think, like so much outrageous behavior, itâs coming from a place of fear," the columnist wrote. "That your family will be closer to your grandson, that your holidays will take precedence over the ones she raised your fiancĂ© to celebrate, etc."
It's important to treat this situation with kindness and understanding before things get out of hand. Plus, assuring her that they will raise their child in both religious traditions, just not ones that include going under the knife, will certainly help, she wrote.
