A mom is feeling pressured by her neighbor after she generously gave some of her breast milk to the woman because she couldn't breastfeed. But now the kind gesture has become a weird expectation, and no matter how much the mom tries to fend off her neighbor's requests, the woman is demanding more and more of her liquid gold. Is there any way she can get her neighbor to leave her alone for good instead of taking advantage of her generosity?
The mom thought she was doing an act of kindness when she first gave her neighbor some of her breast milk.
As she explained in to a letter to the Dear Prudence advice column, the mom only casually knew her neighbor "Tara" before they both got pregnant around the same time, but that didn't stop her from doing her an intimate — and priceless — favor one day. "I saw Tara a few days after she gave birth and asked her how things were going," the mom wrote. "She burst into tears and told me that she didnât think she would be able to breastfeed. She sounded so heartbroken about not nursing (with comments like 'my baby is unlucky to have me for a mother')."
To help "ease her mind," the mom then offered to give Tara some of her breastmilk. "She enthusiastically agreed, and later that day I dropped off four bags of milk," she continued. But for some reason Tara now thinks that the gesture has become permanent.
"The next morning I had more than a dozen texts from Tara, wanting to set up a schedule for me to drop off more milk. The texts made it clear that she expected me to provide her with enough breast milk to feed her daughter exclusively."
The mom tried to politely put Tara off, but she was unstoppable in her quest for more breast milk.
The mom wrote that Tara would accept "none" of her excuses when she tried to politely turn her down at first and even went as far as to send the mom pictures of her daughter crying with captions meant to guilt her into giving up her milk.Â
âFaye is so sad that her bottle has yucky formula! She misses her yummy breast milk!â one caption read. "I donât know what to do. Tara wonât stop texting me, and Iâm worried that if I block her number she will start coming to my apartment to confront me in person," the mom wrote.
"What can I do?"
Advice columnist Daniel Mallory Ortberg told the mom that she needs to tell Tara to back off ASAP.
Ortberg advised the mom to be completely straight with Tara and explain why her behavior is strange. "These messages are totally inappropriate and need to stop. I will not talk to you about this again," he told the mom to write.
"Anyone who hears, 'Iâm sorry. I canât give you any more of my breast milk' and counters with 'But mothers of twins do it all the time!' instead of 'Oh my God, Iâve made myself a nightmarish imposition on a very friendly person and need to apologize and leave the room immediately' is not a person whose good opinion you should solicit or whose approval you should worry about," Ortberg continued. "Tell her to never text you again, then block her number."
The columnist added that in the future, the mom should never feel guilty for not feeding Tara's baby. "Her baby is fine (formulawise, at least); you are not actually hurting her in any way, and she has lost the right to engage you in neighborly conversation."
He continued that the Letter Writer needed to warn her wife, friends, and landlord about Tara if she is worried that the mom will get out of hand. "If you see her on your way to your front door and she tries to wave you over, donât talk to her," Ortberg wrote. "The idea is to stop getting into negotiations with Tara where she thinks the two of you are having a free-flowing exchange of ideas about parenting. You two arenât friends suffering from a disagreement; youâre neighbors, and she happens to be a terrible one."
He added, "No, itâs not fun to walk past someone who makes giant weepy eyes at you because you wonât give her your bodily fluids, but itâs certainly better than reading her texts."
Some people in comments agreed -- the mom needed to unapologetically tell her neighbor no.
"Why are there so many people who think it's ok to just DEMAND things from others??? Why do we have so many toddlers running around impersonating adults?" one person wrote.
"Offer to sell her your breast milk. Make the price high. She'll either stop bugging you or you'll make some good money," another person advised.
A third person recommended that the mom try a different approach. "Give Tara the phone number/website of your local group of La Leche League International. Tell her that it's not too late, LLLI will — for free! — help her learn to re-lactate over the next days and weeks, so her baby will transition from formula to her milk."
But other people thought that the request was NBD and are blaming mom.
"Just give her the darn milk for crying out loud," one commenter wrote. "It's not like she's asking for your beer."
Someone else blamed the mom for donating her milk in the first place. "What was she trying to accomplish by giving Tara milk in the first place? What good is four bags of milk to the baby? You wanted to baby to know what it was missing?" the person wrote.
"Giving a strangerâs baby a tiny bit of milk for no reason makes no sense. The kid wasnât starving, it wasnât necessary… it was just stirring up trouble for no gain. Why would she do that?" the person added.
One person thought that the mom shouldn't be so cruel to her neighbor, who was clearly hurting. "I agree that the LW should just stop engaging with Tara now; but how about using a bit empathy for Tara, who probably truly believes she's failing her baby by giving her formula (and for folks who don't understand why the slogan 'Breast is best' is problematic and hurtful, that's why) and has also a good chance to suffer from postpartum depression."
In the end, however, the mom should do whatever is best for her and her baby. Even if she needs to put her needy neighbor in her place.
