Once your baby is born, all those annoying aches and pains of pregnancy are hopefully over. But the new challenges of caring for a newborn while navigating your postpartum recovery? Well, they've have just begun. For working moms, these problems are only compounded when it comes to child care once maternity leave ends, and for one mom on Reddit, she's losing her mind over her husband's recent request to let his mother stay at home with their kid.
In her post, the woman explained that they will already be in close quarters with her husband's parents.
After living abroad for years, the couple recently decided to move back to their home country with their 7-week-old newborn and two older children in tow.
"We are planning to buy a house upon our return, but we need to work at least for a year in order to apply for a mortgage, government help etc," the mother explained. "In the meanwhile, his parents generously offered us their empty flat, that's 10 minutes from their house, rent free. We are still planning to pay them rent, though."
At the moment, both parents are home, though the mom's maternity leave will be ending and she's debating whether she'll return to work for the next few months before moving again. Her ultimate goal, she says, is to return to full-time, higher-paying work by the time her daughter is 18 months old.
Although the mother never specifies the country she lives in, she explains that maternity leave in her country is typically three years.
"It means that if you worked before, you can stay at home for three years, while receiving a certain percentage of your salary, and your employer has a legal obligation to keep your place," she wrote. "If you haven't worked in the country, you're not eligible, but your SO or one of the grandparent could also qualify."
When she does return to work, she plans to put her baby in day care — but her husband doesn't agree.
"He says why would we let strangers watch her, when his mom is around?" she shared. And so, the idea to let his mother stay home with the kids was born.
The mom has many reasons for not wanting her mother-in-law to stay home with her baby.
But really, it all boils down to this: The mom feels she needs a little space.
"I am completely okay with my in-laws taking care of her when she is sick or to have her over for some time (I'm quite chill), but I want to have control over her primary care," she explained. "My MIL is a nice person, but we are quite different. She stayed at home with her kids for 10+ years, something that I wouldn't do. She is great with children, patient and caring, this is not the issue."
Still, the mom wants a little more control and independence.
"I am used to solving my problems on my own, being my own boss, and managing most things without outside help," she explained. "I like having his family around, but I feel that our kids are our responsibility to manage and I want them to stay grandparents."
Her ultimate question for Reddit? "I would appreciate outside opinions and possibly advice on how to get my point through my husband," she said.
Some people agreed with the mom: Inviting her MIL into their home would be a big mistake.
"Your points are reasonable," one commenter wrote. "Having grandparents as carers often lead to arguments and damaged relationships. I would emphasize this point to your husband."
Another person agreed that day care would be better. "The only beneficial aspect a grandparent can gives to kids is vocabulary," the person wrote. "Kids need to be with kids their own age to learn to communicate and learn to share toys and problem solve."
A third person chimed in with this hair-raising experience:
"So, we did this with my MIL living with us and it was a nightmare. I liked her before we had our little one but now there’s some resentment and tension. It has great potential to damage your relationship with your in laws to have them be your child’s caregiver. Hindsight is 20/20 and I would never have done it if I had known the issues and stress it ended up causing."
Yet another person pointed out that it might not be a good idea to have the MIL look after the baby. "You currently have a great relationship with your in-laws, but you live half a world away. You’re going to have friction when you move closer and in to their properly. Set yourself up for success by talking about how often you’ll see them now, and by arranging independent childcare."
Others thought the new mom was being a little too hasty.
"If you really do like your in laws, then I would strongly consider it," one person wrote. "No daycare replaces family love, and it seems like you have a great opportunity. Your child will never love her grandparent like her own mother, so no need to worry about that, especially if you spend quality time with her outside of work!"
"I would suggest a compromise and have your kid in the [day care] four or five days and have grandma do the last day so she gets time with them but not enough to be a third parent," another person wrote.
But a third commenter had some strong feelings that weren't in agreement with the mom:
"You would rather pay some stranger to take care of your daughter than let your MIL take care of her because you are afraid your daughter might become more attached to your MIL than you?" the commenter asked.
Get over your insecurities and let Grandma take care of her grandchild. You are being completely selfish and unreasonable."
In the end, the woman said she will most likely explain her feelings to her husband and see if that changes his mind. Here's hoping some kind of compromise is reached that everyone can live with.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
