In the midst of family drama, it can be tough to see the forest for the trees. That's why plenty of parents take to Reddit to run their current issues by the community, seeking unbiased opinions on whether their feelings and actions are justified. A 24-year-old mom of four did just that this weekend on the Am I the A–hole subreddit. She shared how she and her husband ended up clashing over her admission to their 5-year-old that she never wanted kids.
The original poster (OP) shared that she had her first child when she was 19.
Now she has 5-, 3-, 2-year-old daughters and a 1-year-old son. "All of our children have been planned, but it's always been my husband pushing to have another," the OP shared. "If he'd have let me I would've stopped after our oldest. I never really wanted to be a mom, and don't feel as though I connect with them very well."
She explained that a few nights ago, she was putting her eldest to bed and her daughter started asking "loads of questions."
"She's a really curious little girl," the OP wrote. "I had a traumatic birth with her and postnatal depression so always struggled with bonding and still do struggle connecting with her. She told me she wants lots of babies when she's older and then asked me how many I wanted when I was her age."
"I told her I didn't want any and that I didn't even want any when I had her," the OP explained.
"I know she's only 5, but she massively misinterpreted it and got upset," the mom of four shared. "I comforted her and put her back to sleep."
Fast-forward to the morning when the 5-year-old "must've told her father what had happened when he was making her breakfast."
"I woke up to my husband absolutely furious with me for traumatizing our daughter and damaging her self-esteem," shared the OP. "I told him she'd be fine, but he kept shouting at me telling me I was an awful mother."
To that, the Redditor said she replied that it's "hard being a good mother to kids you regret having."
Her husband asked if she was serious and she said she felt she was "being impulsive when I said that but that I didn't want them and he knew that." She continued, "He left the room absolutely furious with me and took the kids to his parents' house."
She then turned it over to the Reddit community to ask if she's the a–hole in this situation.
Quite a few Redditors criticized the OP's actions.
"Your daughter didn't 'massively misinterpret' what you said," one Redditor wrote. "You were incredibly inappropriate and hurtful to your small child, your daughter, your 5-year-old who is tender and your responsibility. You need to get help. Get counseling. Figure out how to address your issues before you hurt your kids any more than you are. And meantime, don't have any more until you want them."
Another shared, "It was obviously very wrong for you to say that to your 5-year-old. No matter how you are feeling, you should have never said that to her. Long. Sorry. Honestly it's a s—-y situation for everyone involved. The kids have a mom who really didn't want to be a mom, so her connection to them is shaky at best. They're never going to have that real connection and now the 5-year-old knows this. That's going to scar her forever, and it will probably end up being told to the other kids as they get older."
A third concluded, "It is okay not to want kids; it's even okay to have kids and have some regrets. It is not any of your children's fault that you made decisions you regret, and it sucks you've made her feel unwanted."
Others pointed out that the OP's behavior might indicate she is still struggling with postpartum depression.
One commenter shared her own experience, explaining, "As a mother two, I can tell you that being a mom who wanted kids, it is still tough mentally. I suffered postpartum depression after both kids. It does not hit everybody but when it does… It's terrible. Being a parent is a complete change. Especially for the mother. I had therapy after both kids for this depression. The first thing my therapist said to me when I came in was that not every mother has a connection to their child right away and to not beat myself up over not feeling it right away. It's common for mothers not to have that connection right away."
Another urged the OP to "see a therapist," continuing, "Please encourage your husband to get therapy. And get those kids some therapy ASAP. Learn to communicate and make sure you're not still dealing with postpartum depression and/or PTSD from the first delivery. You're coming across as though you have no empathy for your kids or yourself, and regardless whether you intended to have four kids in four years, you owe them a healthy mom who loves them. Get the help you need to do right by them."
Ultimately, this situation feels like one that's better suited for a mental health care provider to unpack versus an online community.
In an update to the post, the OP shared that she's thankful for the support from fellow Redditors and is planning on treating her depression.
The mom of four wrote, "Thank you to all of you who messaged me with your support, and thank you to those who told me to die, I considered it. My husband and kids have returned home."
She went on to say that she took Redditors' advice and told her daughter that even though she might not have wanted kids, she wants her daughter and loves her. "She's now happy in her room playing with her Barbies," the OP shared. "I love my kids, and I'm going to get help with my depression, so I don't hurt them anymore."
Here's hoping the OP finds the professional support she needs — and that Redditors who reacted cruelly and thoughtlessly to a woman in pain consider the consequences of their words.
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