Becoming a parent is a mix of amazing and stressful. There are so many things we have to balance and consider on top of the new role of taking care of kids. We have to worry about work and finances like never before. Do we take a full maternity leave? Can we afford to or do we have to go back? For many families, choosing to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) is often dependent on several of these same factors.
A friend took to Reddit to get advice on a situation her friend is in, and in trying to help, the friend, while having well-meaning intentions, worries that she may have over-stepped boundaries and upset a friend in being honest.
The friend (OP) shared in Reddit's AITA community a situation her friend, who's also a new mother, finds herself in.
"One of my best friends, Sherrie, had an adorable baby 18 months ago, however the little one was a micro Premie, with very little chance of surviving," OP started her post saying. "Sherrie was by baby's side in the hospital for the first 6 months and has since been the main caregiver at home, she is an awesome mom."
It sounds like these two became friends as work, as OP knows the maternity leave policy of Sherrie's workplace and explained that for the past 18 months, Sherrie has been taking care of her new baby.
"The way our benefits work, Sherrie was given leave until the baby's due date (when she was born early), plus 18 months of maternity leave. So she has another 4 months at home before she has to go back to work."
According to the friend, thankfully, the 18-month-old is doing really well, despite having a rocky start to live, the baby is hitting all the milestones and is doing really well.
Sherrie, like so many other moms, doesn't want to have to go back to work – not in four months—and not ever.
"I completely understand this desire," OP said adding that financially, her friend may not really have an option. According not OP, Sherrie bought a home with her husband four years ago and the home is "at the top of their mortgage limit, and neither her nor her husband have increased income enough to maintain mortgage payments."
OP said she floated the idea of she and her husband selling their "gigantic house for a small one where they could afford the mortgage, but she said this was their home." OP says her friend is living "pay check to pay check (and dipping into credit) as it is, and worries that financially staying at home isn't realistic.
But, Sherrie says she has a full plan – and it involves her mother-in-law (MIL).
"Sherrie has free daycare arranged, and can wfh [work from home] 3 days a week going forward. However she thinks her MIL should instead give them the money they need to keep the house and have her stay home."
"Going through all the finances and options with her (at her request), I said she couldn't expect her MIL to give up retirement for her, and that she can't have the house and be a stay at home mom," OP said. "It just doesn't work. I also pointed out that for now at least, baby doesn't need a lot of care above normal babies, and in 4 months will be even better."
OP says her friend didn't take this advice very well. "Sherrie called me heartless, and that I don't 'get being a mom or looking after disabled children,' and while I'm not a mom, I am gaurdian for my disabled brother… So I am not niave either," OP said.
"At this point I was a bit mean and told her bluntly to 'get a reality check, that her husband was killing himself to meet her demands, and that she needed to grow up and go back to work'."
OP asked Reddit, "AITA for telling my best friend she can't be a stay at home mom?"
"She has some brass balls for asking her MIL to bankroll her unsustainable lifestyle," one person commented, also giving advice on getting therapy to "get over" any trauma from her child being born a micro-preemie.
"NTA. She wanted help with finances and you explained how her wants cannot be met with the current conditions," another Reddit response read. "She seems very selfish for thinking it's OK to ask her husband to work himself to death and for her MIL to give her money just so she can be a SAHM. That's not how life works."
"I’m still stuck on her MIL being obligated to pay her so she can stay at home," another commenter said. "What world does she live in?! I agree it sounds like there are quite a few things that they could do to make her staying home more doable. They could get a smaller home with a more manageable mortgage and then maybe between the husband working and even if she wants to just work part time three days from home that would be a help. You’re definitely NTA."
"NTA she’s TA if she expects her MIL to give her money just so she can stay home!" agreed another person on Reddit. "Wtf?! She’s selfish, that’s not her money and to expect is so entitled!"
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