If you're married, you know that most major life decisions require a conversation. (Or make that a million conversations.) Communication, they say, is the key to happiness in a marriage. Once that breaks down, all hell breaks loose. But one man was floored when his wife recently made a MAJOR decision without him — one that left him in shock when she finally hit him with the news. According to his recent Reddit post, she decided to become a surrogate for her sister — and became pregnant with the child without even running it by her husband.
According to the man's post, he's been married to his wife for seven years, during which time they've had two children.
But these haven't exactly been the easiest seven years, he admits. In fact, he describes the marriage as "rather difficult" — largely because his wife simply makes decisions without discussing them with him first.
"She was pregnant with our first daughter soon after we got married and took her maternity leave early without any discussion," he continued. "After the birth she decided to not go back to work, this wasn't a discussion but rather a statement from her and that was the end of it. Two years later, our son was born and she decided to become a SAHP, once again a statement and not a decision we made together."
(You can see where he's going with this.)
His wife's decision to stay home has been OK so far, but at times it's put a burden on their finances.
"I earn a good wage and there aren't many financial worries, but it still cuts it close and there have been times I've had to ask my parents for help," he went on. "I could do with her working but we're managing for now."
Now that their younger child is turning 4, the husband had been gearing up to talk to his wife about heading back to work. But as soon as the global health crisis hit, he hit pause on that.
"Things like childcare wouldn't be an issue as my parents live very close by and absolutely adore their grandchildren," he explained. Still, "the main reason I want her to go back to work is that I'm tired of being berated. I don't spend enough time with the kids, I don't help out at home, I miss important events, we don't go out together enough etc. I'm worked to the bone because of my job because I don't want to lose the job as we only have one income."
But talking about all of this has proven difficult.
"Any discussion about this is ignored and turned around so that I'm at fault," he shared.
Needless to say, things have been a little tense between them. But nothing could have prepared him for the absolute bomb his wife dropped on him last week.
She talked about being a surrogate as the family crowded around the table.
According to the husband, his wife excitedly told the kids that they're going to have a little cousin soon. At this, the husband's ears perked up.
"I assume her sister is pregnant and I'm glad as her and her husband have been trying for a very long time," he recalled. "Nope."
That's when his wife shared that her sister was in need of a surrogate, and she graciously offered to carry a baby for her, to help the sister and her husband save money.
This, of course, made the husband's mouth drop open. But little did he know that was only half of the news.
Moments later, the wife shared that she was already four months pregnant with her sister's child.
That's right — she was damn near ready to enter her second trimester before she filled her husband in on the news.
"Didn't check with me, didn't think to at least tell me; she just went ahead and did it," the husband wrote. "I tried to keep my temper so as not to get into an argument in front of the kids."
The husband was floored. And even now, more than a week later, he's at a loss.
"I honestly don't know what to do," he wrote. "I've realized that I am worth nothing in this marriage, I considered a divorce but I don't want to do that to my kids as it would get very very messy. She'd most likely have to move in with her sister as the house is in my name and was purchased before we got married and I don't want to put the kids through that.
"This past week I'm just been quietly fuming as I don't know what to do," he continued.
People were shocked by the wife's actions.
"Damn that's selfish on another level," one person said.
"How do you not even have a conversation with your husband about being a surrogate?!" another asked.
"She's not your life partner," someone else said, matter-of-factly. "Partners discuss life altering decisions with each other. She doesn't value your opinion. She's a surrogate and didn't even discuss it with you???? I don't think you can get past that."
In fact, people were almost unanimous in their advice that the poster and his wife should not stay together.
"Staying in an unhappy marriage 'for your kids' is not the way to go, you will resent her more and more and will regret staying down the road," one person wrote.
"It looks like you both are living different lives," another added. "The kids wont be happy if both parents are together but not happy."
A lot of people shared some of their own experiences with divorce -- both of their parents and in their own marriages.
"The years leading up to my parents divorce were miserable and when they finally did it I felt so relieved because every day I dreaded staying home," one person shared. "I hated weekends since it meant more time in that environment. Keeping a 'marriage' for your kids won't make their lives easier."
"Divorce is super scary and everyone's thought is how broke they will be, how will they survive?" one person said. "It's very tough at first (might need to live with folks, kids will be upset) but let me tell you almost everyone always lands on their feet and end up much happier in the end. Best of luck my friend."
Others said that the fact that their parents hadn't divorced when they should have was actually more damaging in the long run.
"I would have given anything when I was growing up to see happy parents," one person shared. "Instead I saw parents that never wanted to be around each other. Now, at 29 years old, I have no idea what a stable relationship is supposed to even be like because of the influence of my parents. I wish they had divorced, I only ever wanted them happy."
"I spent a lot of time of my childhood day dreaming about how much better things would be if my parents just divorced," another added.
In the end, people told the husband that he had to protect himself, at all costs.
"You have to focus on your happiness as well," someone wrote. "You really need to sit down with your wife and make her listen. I know that is might seem impossible but please try. You don't have to do it right this second, as she is pregnant, but you need to try. You will explode if you don't. I almost did and it wasn't pretty. I got help. Life isn't perfect but it is better."
Another person assured him he "will be much happier, and when you have time with your kids, they will absolutely enjoy being with the happier you. Plus, you get at least a couple weekends a month completely free to yourself."
"At the end of the day, you matter too," said someone else. "Your happiness matters. Choose you for once and divorcing will protect your kids from further damage down the line."
Perhaps that's all the advice he truly needs to move forward.
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