Being a parent isn't easy, and even if it's someone's favorite role in the whole world, not all of it is roses. Even the most loving and empathetic parent needs to vent about the struggles sometimes. It's healthy to vent and to have a sounding board when someone is feeling stressed. Every parent feels overwhelmed and in need of a break at least at some point in the whole raising kids saga. Add in the worldwide health issue we've all been dealing with when having time away from our kids has been impossible, and it's no surprise parents are feeling the pressure.
One tired mom (DIL) has been feeling overwhelmed and thought her mother-in-law (MIL) would be an excellent sounding board. But MIL wasn't having it.
A MIL took to Reddit to share a conversation that went wrong and to get the input of the community.
Posting to Reddit's AITA forum, the MIL sounded wary of posting "because I fear that I might be the 'justnomil' or a 'Karen,'" but she proceeded anyway.
"Last night, my son and his wife (29 and 24) were able to secure a babysitter for the first time since March, and they came over to my house for dinner," she started her post.
"My DIL and I have always had a fine relationship, not amazing, but we generally get along. She has 3 kids, but only the youngest (3) is my son's child, although he loves them all equally," she added.
The MIL then shared the story of a recent issue she had with her DIL when she was able to visit without the kids.
"During dinner, she began complaining about how difficult it is to be a young mother, how she feels left out when she sees her old friends hanging out on social media, and how sometimes she gets so annoyed at her kids that she wants to take a one-way flight somewhere," she wrote.
Keep in mind — this is DIL's first moment away from her kids in months. The MIL didn't do so when the conversation continued.
"I was shocked to hear this because from what I've observed she's always been a great mother. I tried redirecting the conversation and expected her to laugh and tell me that the complaints were a joke and she loves her kids very much," the MIL said.
"She did not get the hint and kept complaining for at least 15 more minutes."
The MIL chose to go in on the tired DIL instead of extending empathy.
"Eventually I had enough and told her that if being a mother was too big of an inconvenience for her than I would be happy to adopt her youngest to get him off her hands," the MIL wrote.
"My son and DIL just stared at me in shock when I said this," she added. "Two minutes later my son said that they would be going home early. I immediately regretted and apologized for what I had said."
It didn't take long for things to take a turn for the worse. "I might really be the [expletive] because later last night my son called me and said that we need to sit down and discuss boundaries," she wrote.
When she got that call, she doubled down. Instead of apologizing for not being empathetic, she made it worse.
"I responded that I would be happy to do this, but it's a little hypocritical that his wife is allowed to have boundaries regarding what I can say but I can't have boundaries regarding listening to her complaints," the MIL said.
"My son retorted that it is not the same thing because all adults need to vent and everyone occasionally gets tired of their kids. He said that he is sure that I complained in the same way to my friends when I was raising him," she added.
Of course, MIL couldn’t admit that she had ever done that and held on to that being "absolutely not true."
"I never complained about him to anyone, even though I was a young, single mother," she explained. "I told him that if his wife felt that way then she should get some therapy and he should help her get to the bottom of the problem by taking on some extra parenting responsibilities."
And because she didn't learn her lesson the first time, she made a cloaked suggestion again that probably didn't sit right.
"I also gently offered to have all the kids come stay at my place for a few weeks, but didn't repeat the word adopt. He sarcastically thanked me for my wisdom and hung up the phone and we have not talked since."
The MIL asked if she was wrong for suggesting she would adopt her grandson -- and making it worse on the phone. Reddit let their feelings be known.
"YTA," one commenter replied. "Bloody h–l, just because she has a cry doesn't mean she doesn't want to be a mother! It's hard being a mother, instead of offering to remove one child, be supportive and say you understand what she's going through, as a mum yourself. EVERY mother finds it hard at times."
Another commenter agreed the MIL was in the wrong. "Your daughter in law was expressing normal frustrations with the strain of raising a family (likely in a hyperbolic way, but still), not saying she didn't want her kids. The appropriate response would have been to offer to babysit more often or some such thing. You went way too far."
"You waaay overreacted. What you said was totally inappropriate," replied another person. "It is hard being a young mother. She's allowed to complain to people who, she assumed, love her and understand that she's venting. She's allowed to fantasise about buying a one-way ticket somewhere on especially stressful days. It wasn't cool to tell your son his wife 'should get some therapy' or to offer to have the kids live with you 'for a few weeks,' let alone to offer to adopt one. You need to back right off, because you have crossed some boundaries."
"YTA of course. Your DIL needed to vent," another person explained. "At least she's venting to you and not taking it out on her kids or running away. Saying you dream of running and actually doing it are two completely different things."
The person continued, "Of course they're upset you suggested adoption! You gave no sense of understanding or empathizing and went straight to the nuclear option."
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