There's a reason why the "terrible 2s" are given that title: Kids in this age range tend to share their emotions very strongly. That's a polite way of saying the tantrums are aplenty in this age range, and it can be very stressful and wearing on parents. Even those who have read lots of child-raising literature and done what they could to prepare for the challenges this age presents find it's not always straightforward when trying to reduce the number or length of tantrums.
As parents, having discipline and consequences can help curb tantrums, but it can be a challenge to narrow down what will work since every child is different. And if there are two parents in the home, there may be differing opinions on how to go forward with discipline and consequences.
One mom (OP) took to Reddit to explain a situation that was going on in her family.
She posted in the AITA Reddit channel looking for input on a struggle she was having at home. She started her post writing, "A while back I had read about an indigenous tribe that never spanked or yelled at their children. They believe that yelling at a child is childish on the part of the adult," she wrote.
"Instead they will tell them things like if you don't wear your hat outside that a monster will come and suck out your brains, or if you get to close to the ocean a monster will get you."
That seemingly stuck with her as she was trying to find ways to help curb her daughter's meltdowns.
"What I read about them seemed to make a lot of sense," she wrote. "So I've strived to never spank and keep yelling to a minimum. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't have my moments," she admitted.
The OP has a 2-year-old daughter, which is right at the peak time of the tantrum season. Although tantrums are annoying to the parents, tantrums are developmentally necessary.
“Young children's brains are wired in such a way that tantrums make perfect sense and are actually a sign of normal development,” psychologist Rebecca Schrag Hershberg and author of The Tantrum Survival Guide told Psych Central in 2018. "Toddlers or preschoolers who throw tantrums are learning to express their emotions, assert their independence, forge a place for their needs and wants in what can be a confusing and overwhelming world."
The mom says she's tried a few ways of disciplining her daughter when she has these big emotions.
"My two year old is very smart and doesn't respond to spanking or yelling anyway," she explained. "So it's pointless to take that route. But sometimes when she is losing her s–t I'll tell her that if she doesn't stop I will 'Call the Monster'," she explained.
"She immediately stops. Kind of looks around for a minute and then becomes a normal person again."
This discipline method works for the OP, but her husband doesn't like it.
"My husband really hates it and says I will warp her and make her twisted," she said. "That's not my goal, but I did think it was better than the alternative. I always talk to her and tell her why we don't do something. I only save the monster bit when she is just beyond reason."
The OP then asked the Reddit community if she was in the wrong, and there were some pretty strong opinions on the subject.
"Yta – unless you buy a monster costume and really follow though," one commenter wrote. "Subvert expectations though, have a sit down with her as the monster, and let her know monster isn't angry, just disappointed."
"Soft YTA," a second person commented. "I don't think you should use parenting methods that your spouse disagrees with, you should [both] be [on] board. Personally, I tell my daughter that mom and dad don't let monsters come in the house. They have to stay outside. We never want her to be scared or feel unsafe in her own home."
"NTA – my mum did all three (yelling, spanking & threats from the boogeyman)," added another person. "I can promise that the boogeyman was the least traumatic by far."
"I feel like there's a pretty big spectrum between spanking your child and telling them a monster is going to come eat them," replied another person. "It's called being a good parent. Also, the fact that your husband is against it, you're the AH for going forward on a disciplinary action he's not on board with."
"You do know that there are other parenting options other than yelling, smacking and terrorizing, right?" another Redditor responded.
Another person replied with a longer comment, hitting on many of the things the OP wrote.
"You read a single article about a cultural practice, didn't understand it fully and then bastardized it to manipulate your kid, and continue to do it against your husband's wishes," the person replied.
"They interviewed a single town, yes, but it isn't just a single tribe who practices that, and regardless it's something that extends into the culture as a whole, it isn't just a random parenting tip," the person continued. You can't just make up a story and say you're parenting like an Inuit, especially when those (culturally relevant, passed down from generation to generation) stories were mostly used to keep a child SAFE, and the techniques used to help a child handle their anger were totally different."
The person concluded, "Don't act like your choices are to either threaten her with a monster or yell and hit your child. There's plenty of other options that don't involve manipulation or violence. Options you and your husband can research and decide on together so you understand why children have meltdowns, why they are important for emotional regulation, and how to handle them while remaining a safe person for your child."
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