A trend has been going around social media recently of parents who are an experts in a particular field explaining how their professional experience has shaped how they parent. ER doctors are going viral for explaining why they won't let their kids jump on backyard trampolines, and registered dietitians are racking up views when they talk about how they handle picky eating with their own kids. Although we might not always agree with every suggestion they make, we're always curious about how other people make parenting choices, so we can't help watching!
That totally makes sense, right? Parenting is confusing sometimes, and it can be really interesting to hear how actual experts tackle some of our toughest parenting questions.
One of our biggest hopes is to raise kids who feel cared for, safe, and have the good mental health outcomes that come from a childhood free from abuse and trauma at home. With that heavy goal in mind, we were super intrigued by a recent TikTok from an attachment therapist named Kendyl (who posts under the handle @ennui_therapist) where she describes the things she'll never do to her own kids to help make sure they have emotionally healthy childhoods. Although she is taking some heat for her stances in the comment section, others are convinced her approach could save kids years of future therapy!
More from CafeMom: I've Stopped & Started Therapy So Many Times, Here's Why I'm Sticking With It Now
What is an attachment therapist?
Even though Kendyl is clear that she's not offering therapy through her TikTok account, her perspective is shaped by her years as a licensed attachment therapist who has seen firsthand what happens when kids aren't allowed to develop secure attachment in childhood. An attachment therapist is a mental health professional who specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families develop healthy attachment styles and relationships.
Attachment theory is based on the idea that early experiences with caregivers shape our ability to form secure and healthy attachments with others throughout our lives, so she makes the case that how we parent our kids will affect their lives and relationships into adulthood.
As an attachment trauma therapist, there are six key things that Kendyl says she'll never do with her own kids.
Spanking is never OK.
The first thing this therapist won't do with her kids is spanking. As she states, "spanking is a form of abuse".
YES. This really shouldn't be a controversial stance because there is no other interpersonal relationship where we think that hitting someone because they made a mistake or made us mad or did something dangerous is an allowable thing to do.
Anyone who thinks that hitting the smallest and most powerless people in their life isn't abusive probably needs to spend some time with an attachment therapist like Kendyl. She notes all she needs is "an hour" with someone who subscribes to the "I was spanked and I turned out OK" mindset to help them realize that spanking is wrong.
The next item on her "never" list is telling kids any form of "I'll give you something to cry about." She explains that "crying is normal. It's a way to express emotions and it completes the stress cycle." Unresolved stress can be harmful, and chronic unresolved stress can lead to long-term mental health challenges.
More from CafeMom: Dad Says Wife Thinks It's OK To Spank Their 7-Month-Old Boy & He Doesn't Know What To Do
Don't 'parentify' children.
Parentification is a harmful process in which kids are put in the role of having to take care of the emotional needs of their parents or siblings. It also can include giving kids too much responsibility for caretaking around the house, such as expecting a tween or young teen to be a full-time babysitter for younger siblings. This takes away from a child's right to be a kid and requires doing things they aren't developmentally ready for.
Some responsibility is great, but too much can be harmful. It can also, as one person in the comments noted, make people less interested in becoming parents someday. As a TikTok user named Lola explained, "Having to watch my siblings for 10 years made me resent my mom because now although I want children, I don't want to have to take care of anyone else."
The next item on the list is that this therapist mom isn't going to use is "shame-based ideologies to make my kids good human beings."
This doesn't seem like it should be a controversial opinion, but the comment section lit up with people (mostly men, interestingly enough) claiming that refusing to shame kids is "the reason why we have a bunch of adult children running around with hurt feelings and a smart a– mouth" and wondering "when did people get so soft?"
Teach kids critical thinking.
The therapist's final rules are to avoid saying "because I said so" because it doesn't teach kids to be critical thinkers, to raise her kids to be emotionally intelligent, and to avoid talking negatively about her own body so her kids don't grow up with body shame.
In the more than 3,000 comments this video has received, there are some pro-spanking, pro-body-shaming people out there (yikes) but also plenty of former kids who were speaking up about how much better their lives would have been if their parents had followed these suggestions.
"My mother did every single one of these things. Even as a little kid I knew it wasn't right."
Another person noted that "the phrase 'I'll give you something to cry about' is so triggering for me."
The good news, for parents who feel like they haven't done all of this perfectly, is that perfection isn't required. Kendyl notes that "Attachment trauma is about repeated patterns of emotional, physical, psychological, neglect/abuse. Parents aren't perfect, repairing is key."
