I am the proud mother to three little autistic boys. Oliver aged 7, Joshua aged 6, and Tyler who recently turned 5. All three boys are on the autism spectrum and have very high support needs. Our boys have comorbidities and are still in diapers and non-verbal which can be challenging for them in a range of different settings. They are intelligent, cheeky and work very hard to be accepted for who they are, as they are, in society.
As a parent to children with high additional needs, it can be a roller coaster of emotions.
It’s beautiful, overwhelming, terrifying, and rewarding all at once. There are days where we don’t know how we survived and days that we want to relive over and over.
Over the years we have had heartache in losing friends, our social life and forgetting to make ourselves a priority. Simple activities such as going to the park or beach cannot be achieved without a one-to-one adult/child ratio, therefore making public outings a special occasion rather than a daily norm.
Acceptance of our family is still very limited and families such as ours require greater understanding from the general public.
Christmas and gift-giving days always make me nervous, but I have learned over the years not to put any pressure on the boys or myself. Whatever the day brings we will find fun in it.
In the past we have been isolated from family by choice and other attempts have seen us last five minutes at a family member's home. And one year we lasted a few hours. The amount of people, tree lights, Christmas carols and Santa can become overwhelming, so we always follow our boys' lead as to when we leave or transition to something familiar back at our home.
Our boys enjoy very specific foods daily, so if we are attempting to go to a relative’s home we will pack all of their meals with a little extra treat to make the day special for them.
I remember the first Christmas with my three boys. I had spent months researching and stockpiling gifts for them. I had purchased their own Santa stocking and sack, got the tree looking like a sensory delight and all presents perfectly wrapped under the tree. All we had to do was wake up and let the joy of gift giving begin.
I was so excited I barely slept.
Christmas morning arrived and it was the first time ever that the boys had slept past 5 a.m. so by 7 a.m., I wanted to get the day going. Oli, Joshy, Tyler… come and see what Santa has delivered for you! We all sat near the tree and I went to hand out the first present when Oliver decided he was not interested. He had no desire to understand what was underneath the wrapping paper or what the gift was.
It was so deflating to see all three boys just walk away from a tree full of gifts for them and it was hard to keep my emotions in check.
The day just spiralled from there and gift giving days have now taken on a completely different meaning with a no pressure policy. No pressure for the kids and no expectations I set for myself or how the day is going to play out.
People take celebration days like this for granted.
We are not able to just celebrate any given occasion. Attending someone’s house requires a huge amount of planning, explanations of what behaviors may appear and there is a big possibility we may only last five minutes at your home. Celebration days are normally extremely stressful and isolating for our family and so many others.
As the boys are maturing, and we have had another year of growth, we have started to get a hint of excitement and understanding of what gift giving is all about especially from the younger boys. This Christmas for us, we will be decking the halls, pumping out the carols and trying to get the boys more involved with the weeks leading up to the big day with visual aids, social stories and videos of Santa!
If you are welcoming an autistic family member or friend over to your home this festive season then there are a few things you could do to make it an inclusive Christmas.
Small considerations can make a huge difference so please listen to the requests given to you by the individual themselves or the parents and care givers. Turning down music, dimming the tree lights and if appropriate, having a quiet room available are factors that can make a day enjoyable for all.
Being respectful and understanding, if they don’t want to kiss or hug you, don’t show any emotion when or if they open your gifts or if they sit on Santa’s lap.
Being a part of such a big day can be overwhelming. These days we see the majority of our extended family once a year, so it can be intimidating with so many people wanting to be in the boys' space.
In honor of my children, I created a national charity called Spectrum Support. As Australia’s first "Autism & Law Enforcement” trainers, we are dedicated to bridging the educational gap. Our annual Spectrum Support Christmas Appeal raises money for the development of new training across the community. You can donate here.
