If you are raising a teenager, you already know that it can be hard on the parent and the child. As an adolescent, there is so much pressure to fit in and to do the right things. As a parent, you want your children to be happy, successful, and true to themselves. But what if you and your partner have different ideas about happiness and success? Is it possible to parent a child healthily even if you don't see eye to eye? One mom went to Reddit's AITA forum to ask that very question.
The 36-year-old mother and 35-year-old father are married and raising a 17-year-old daughter. The mother wants her daughter to be comfortable in her skin just the way she is, but her husband thinks their daughter should dress and act a certain way if she wants "society to accept" her. Mom blew her stack and said her daughter should not have to try to conform to society's idea of a perfect woman.
She's told her daughter that she could have "lazy days" and dress however she wanted. This has caused a massive blowout between her and her husband, and now she wonders if she is wrong to think that way.
OP's daughter's style recently changed.
OP's daughter has always been a good kid. She gets good grades, helps around the house, and even has an after-school job and buys things for herself. Her personal style has always been hoodies and sweats, because she chooses comfort over high fashion. She wore no makeup and only fixed her hair for special occasions. But recently, things have shifted.
"Now she wears skinny jeans, crop tops/small shirts, high heel boots/slippers, and a face full of makeup. I asked her if she changed her style up for high school and she just smiled and said yes. So, I thought nothing of it. (Though half the time I saw her, she looked like she was trying to get comfortable in her clothes. Looking back, that's exactly what she was doing)," OP explained in her post.
Turns out, OP's husband was behind the change.
Recently, OP heard her husband talking on the phone and explaining that he had told their daughter to make the change. He encouraged her to dress better, wear makeup, and attend study groups.
OP was shocked. Instead of talking to her husband, she went to her daughter to see if it was true. Initially, her daughter was quiet but admitted, "He said that I need to dress a specific way, look pretty, and be smart if I want society to accept me."
OP was furious. Her daughter continued that she was having a hard time concentrating at school because she was "uncomfortable" in the new clothing and makeup.
OP had to confront her husband.
OP decided that she needed to question her husband. He didn't deny that he had encouraged their daughter to make some changes. From his perspective, "She needs to start dressing better and be smarter if she wants to fit into society."
OP lost it and went after him.
"I literally blew up at him saying that he's making her change to fit into today's toxic standards of women. He then said that he doesn't want our daughter to be an 'outcast' because of what others think of her. I then told him it only matters what she thinks of herself," she shared.
To make her daughter more comfortable, OP told her she could have 'lazy days.'
The couple's daughter was obviously uncomfortable with her clothes and new image and wanted to return to her old self. OP told her that it was OK for her to dress the way she wanted three days a week and skip study groups unless she wanted to go.
"She said she grew to like the crop tops and boots, but it's just the small shirts, bottoms, and hair that bother her. So, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday she wears sweats, boots/sneakers, and the shirts she likes without makeup. She only goes to study groups on Wednesdays. She's been visibly happier since she started her lazy days."
Her dad found out and was not happy.
As soon as her husband discovered what his daughter was doing, he got angry. He told OP that she was an a–hole for letting her daughter be lazy and not caring about her appearance or intelligence. Now she is conflicted, so she went to Reddit for advice.
Redditors supported OP but not the word lazy.
Many in the Reddit community felt like OP was doing the right thing in trying to break down societal standards of beauty and worth, but they didn't like her terminology.
"NTA. But maybe find a different word than lazy. It implies she is slacking on the days she doesn't conform to hubbies standards. She's not slacking as long as her hygiene is taken care of," one commented noted.
Another person agreed, writing, "I hate the idea that your daughter being comfortable is 'lazy.' I've just always hated the phrase 'lazy day' or 'being lazy' because it creates the idea that resting makes you a bad person. You need to rest to avoid burnout."
One Redditor gave a great suggestion: "How about 'Freedom Day?' Free to dress how she wants, and not in the borderline hooker get-ups that her dad wants her to wear. (forcing her to wear crop tops and skinny jeans, or tight little mini-skirts, really?) Actually, every day should be freedom day."
Readers want OP's daughter to have choices.
It isn't necessary to schedule your life. Instead, wake up and do what makes you happy, one person recommended. "Let your daughter know she doesn't need to follow any kind of schedule. When she wakes up each day she can do whatever the h— she wants.
"Crop top and make up one day? Sure! Crop top and no make up another? Also sure!" the person continued. "Hoodie with make up? Also good! Hoodie and no make up? Go for it! Scheduling your appearance sounds insane. She's fine however she dresses — none of it means she is lazy."
Most people agreed the OP needs to let her daughter have choices. She is growing up and needs that autonomy.
"I like your approach overall OP, but disagree that either of you should tell her why, what and when to wear it. Rather ask her what she would be most comfortable in for different activities, help her maintain a wardrobe to fit those needs in styles that suit her," one person suggested. "Totally with you it should be led by what she's comfortable in and speaks to her and who she is … guide her and yea def don't ask her to be like anyone or micromanage it for her. Picking which days she can wear things is leaning that way Imho."
The community is not a fan of OP's husband or his thinking.
It was evident that readers were not in support of OP's husband and thought he was the a–hole. They didn't like the standards he was forcing on their daughter.
"There is only one a–hole here and it is your husband and his sexist, misogynistic attitude. He tells your daughter she isn't good enough unless she wears makeup and sexy clothing," one person commented. "Never mind she gets good grades, is responsible and helpful around the house and uses her pay from her job to buy herself her own things. Tell him he is emulating his parents and see if that gets through to him how inappropriate his behavior is."
"[Y]ou may want to strongly consider protecting your daughter from her fathers judgment and ill-informed 'guidance.' Wearing makeup does not make a woman more intelligent and neither does dressing cute," someone else wrote. "I feel so bad for her being subjected to a man who should be protecting her but instead is trying to push her into this mold of what he thinks women should do to be considered intelligent."
One commenter went even further: "Your husband's behavior is disgusting. Yes, there are times people should dress more carefully, but quite frankly not every day of the week for a high schooler. That is absolutely unnecessary and setting her up for odd mindsets. In this case, I also find it sexist considering he added makeup to the list of requirements."
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