Before I became a mom, I was a lawyer, practicing commercial litigation for a highly respected international law firm. That’s fancy lawyer speak for: I got paid handsomely to represent big companies and go to court to argue about money (why my client should get it or shouldn’t have to pay it) all day long.
While there were parts of it I thoroughly enjoyed — like the salary, prestige, and general feeling of importance whenever I walked into a courtroom and spoke to judges — it was a grind.
So when I looked at my husband one day at the 13-week mark of my first pregnancy and said, “I don’t want to practice law for the rest of my life,” you can imagine my extreme delight when he nodded and said, “So quit.”
We hatched a diabolical plan whereby I would pay down as much of my law school debt as possible before our daughter was born and then I’d bid farewell to Big Law in favor of my new job as CEO of our household.
I was psyched. After having spent almost seven years dueling it out in court, taking and defending depositions, wrangling demanding clients, playing law firm politics, and going tit-for-tat with opposing counsel for 60-plus hours a week, being a SAHM sounded like a total breeze.
Cue hysterical, uncontrollable laughter.
Yeah, obviously, I was wrong.
Being a SAHM was the hardest job I've ever had.
And when my daughter was 9 months old, just as I was beginning to feel like, “Oh yeah! I got this! Raise the roof!”, I found out I was pregnant with my son. (Public service announcement: You can indeed get pregnant while nursing, despite what your husband wants to believe).
In less time than it used to take me to resolve a big case, I had gone from a high-powered lawyer in pencil skirts and heels to an exhausted mom of two under 2 who was, at any given moment, covered in bodily fluids that were not her own.
After two years of constantly having an eye on one kid to ensure she didn’t kill the other, whilst simultaneously feeding, cleaning and entertaining both tiny humans, and trying to be a homemaker and — oh yeah — a wife, I realized I wasn't happy.
I had completely lost myself in motherhood. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know where I was going. I had nothing that was mine outside of being "Mommy" and "wife."
It took me a long time to admit that out loud, though. I was terrified people would think I was ungrateful, or worse, that I didn’t love my kids.
But I knew I needed something for myself.
And, although I couldn’t articulate it at the time, I knew in my soul if I didn’t honor that feeling, I wouldn’t be able to show up as my highest and best for anyone, including my family.
For me, the solution was work. The thought of going back to Big Law literally gave me hives, so I started a home-based business instead. And that’s when I began to feel a spark reignite inside of me. My brain started firing in ways I hadn’t realized I’d missed. I had a new sense of purpose. I felt accomplished. I had drive.
And yes, making room in my life for work took me away from my kids for several hours every day.
But you know what I realized? That’s OK. It’s OK to have goals and dreams outside of your role as mom. That doesn’t make you “less” of a mom. It makes you real.
The energy and joy I received from working spilled over into everything else I did. I appreciated the time I had with my kiddos. I was more excited to play with them. I gained a new perspective. And most importantly, I remembered who I was in the process.
Today, I’m so grateful I was honest with myself.
I’m proud I chose to shake off the shame of admitting that being home full time with my kids didn’t fulfill me the way I had thought it should. I love that I now have an additional dimension to my mom life — one that allows me to teach my kids how to show up for yourself; how to go after your dreams and crush your goals; how to get back up when you fall short trying.
And you’d better believe I’m teaching them it’s OK to be true to yourself — even if that means letting go of your previous aspirations to be the "Best Stay-At-Home Mom Ever."
