Recently, my family and I spontaneously decided to spend the day at the zoo with our 3-year-old daughter. It was perfect. We started off on the safari, driving in our car and seeing the lions, tigers, and bears, oh my! My daughter was cuddled in my lap âoohhhhingâ and âahhhhing.â
It was wonderful to see her so happy and in awe of all the animals. After the safari, we decided to be even more adventurous and take a ride on the monorail through the zoo. Thatâs when things took a bad turn.
To call it a monorail is being generous.
It was a small, motorized âtrainâ on a rail positioned very, very high above the ground on a path through the zoo. When I initially stepped on with my husband and daughter, I felt fine. But once the doors closed, I did not.
The space was so small. It was cramped. We were so high up. The train was going so fast. It didnât feel safe. It was shaking. It was making noises. Thank goodness my husband was in the front with my daughter, so she couldnât see me.
I couldnât breathe.
I started hyperventilating. I felt hot. I felt scared. I felt like I was going to scream and pass out at the same time. What I was feeling was a feeling I know all too well. I was having a full-on panic attack.
Panic attacks are sudden, unreasonable feelings of fear and anxiety that cause physical symptoms like a racing heart, fast breathing, and sweating.
I first started having panic attacks as a young girl right after 9/11. I grew up in NYC and with that terrible tragedy, my panic attacks first started making their appearance.
But I havenât had a panic attack since then, so what exactly triggered this panic attack?
I have been very open about suffering from anxiety and of course, with the pandemic, things have gotten worse. But even so, I havenât had a panic attack during this whole time. So why now? Why after nearly two years of pandemic living would I have a panic attack? And at all places, the zoo? And after having had such a beautiful morning with my family?
I think the answer is simple: Being in the train made me feel out of control. When it was so high up and racing, I wanted to jump out, but of course, I couldnât. The pandemic has made me feel that things are out of my control for quite some time. I know I canât control whatâs going on right now in the world, especially with the recent surge of cases due to the omicron variant. But this experience pushed me over the edge and made me realize just how âout of my controlâ most things are.
While there hasnât been much research yet on panic attacks specifically related to the pandemic, we know that most adults are experiencing high levels of stress and anxiety, which can lead to panic attacks.
What I felt that day at the zoo was two years of built-up stress, anxiety, and fear.
Fear of not knowing when this will be over. Fear of the future for my daughter. Fear of the unknown. It was fear two years of fear. And unfortunately, being in such a confined space at such a high speed made that all come out.
Iâm not ashamed to admit that I felt this way. When my daughter is older, I will tell her not to be afraid to admit what she is feeling and to own her emotions. Sometimes we feel good, sometimes we feel happy or sad. Our minds are wonderful portals for a range of emotions. And whatâs most important is that we acknowledge those feelings without shame.
