The craziest part of being a parent is seeing your kids grow into whoever they’re going to be. Sometimes it’s really, really hard knowing that you can't always be there to help them. In one recent Reddit post, a parent is facing this exact problem, after catching their daughter kissing another girl and now she's wondering if there’s a good way to let her kid know she and her husband are there for her, without letting it slip that the private moment wasn't so private.
It all came tumbling out in a since-deleted post on the r/relationship_advice forum.
As the Original Poster explained, her 16-year-old daughter recently said she was going out to dinner with a friend at a local restaurant. No big deal, right?
“I was taking our dog on a walk and walked by a park where I saw her kissing a girl,” the parent wrote. “I didn't say anything, just walked by.”
OK — so sort of a big deal.
This followed a recent tragedy at the daughter’s school.
One of their daughter’s friends recently came out as gay but that student's guardians weren’t supportive about it.
“They endured a lot of mental agony and eventually tried to kill themselves,” the OP explained. “They survived, but have a long road of recovery (both physically and mentally) ahead. From what I understand, this kid was very popular in school, was overall a very bubbly and outgoing person.”
The OP’s daughter was still reeling from what happened, and now the OP is a little unsure of how to best be there for her.
“I told my husband and he says we should let her come to us at her own pace,” the OP wrote. “I obviously agree with him, but my mama heart just wants her to know that no matter who she chooses to love, her dad and I are always going to be there for her. Are there any subtle ways to do that?”
Many people wrote in with suggestions on how the parents could be supportive without betraying their kid's trust.
"I’ve tried to randomly mention things to my children to show my support for LGBTQ," one commenter explained. "I’ll say things like 'if you get married when you grow up, you and your wife, or husband, will yada yada yada.' I’d maybe mention a coworker just got married, and say how happy you are for them? You could ask how she’s feeling about her friend who is struggling, then tell her how terrible you feel that they didn’t have their parents’ support, and that you would always support her because you see nothing wrong with it."
"I agree with your husband — she'll come out to you when the time is right for her," someone else wrote. "In the meantime you can be mindful about how you talk about relationships in a general sense, things like not implying straight as the given, etc. — I think this can have as big of an impact as confronting her directly."
A third commenter had a different idea entirely: "Get a pride progress flag magnet and put it on the fridge. When she asks just tell her that you 'want anyone LGBT to know that they are welcome and supported in your house.'"
Other people thought the parents should be direct.
"I'm not a parent, but I'm bisexual (33F). This is just my opinion, but I think you can be honest with her!" wrote one commenter. "Keep it simple, casual, but let her know that when you were out for a walk you happened to see her, and that you love her and you support whomever she chooses to date. Let her know she doesn't have to talk to you about it right now, but that you're there if she ever does."
"Why not be direct?" someone else wondered. "I feel like beating around the bush is a bit disrespectful and seems like you are not being open or candid. Perhaps your kid is fearful to come out to you, why have her live like that when you can address it right here and now?"
The person continued, "Tell her you saw her at the park the other night with another girl and that you would really like to meet this person and get to know them when your daughter is ready to introduce them. You can also tell her that you see she is growing up and that you are proud of her and you will be there for her always. Your daughter may welcome this convo or she may think it's overboard, but either way she will know she is loved by you."
Or the OP could try another tactic with this phrase someone suggested she say to her daughter: "Hey, saw you kiss a girl and wanted to let you know I support you."
And some people even shared their own experiences to help the OP through this sticky situation.
"So my parents had a hard time with it when I came out almost ten years ago. My aunt however, didn’t skip a beat. One day visiting, she left a pride sticker on my dresser with a note that said 'I will always love you. Be you. That’s the best thing there is,'" one commenter shared.
"Just let her know that there is nothing she cannot tell you, and you will always support her," someone else advised. "My mom has three LGBTQ+ children out of four. She knew that my younger brother was gay before he did, but she waited patiently for years for him to come out to her before she said anything.
"She would always just hug us and tell us that she loved us just the way we are, and there was nothing about us that she didn't love and accept," the person continued. "My dad is more silently supportive but he came to Pride one year and he tells anyone who will listen that three of his kids are queer!"
The person concluded, "It's great to have supportive parents but the most important thing is giving your daughter time to come to terms with who she is. She's only 16 and is probably still experimenting and finding out. Let her know that she is safe and loved and she will come to you when she is ready."
In the end, the OP knows her daughter understands that her parents are OK with whoever she dates.
"Daughter knows that her dad and I are 100% supportive of the LGBTQ community but the incident has just shaken me up," the OP admitted. "I can't even imagine what the child must've gone through. I understand that my daughter has also been through a traumatic experience and I don't want her to ever feel scared of being herself."
That's why the OP decided to take things slow.
"You're right, maybe we'll watch a movie or documentary or I might buy pride pins/stickers and just let her come out (if she wants to) to us at her own pace," she wrote.
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