As parents, all we want is for our kids to be happy and reach their full potential. We recognize that there are struggles they will have, and we hope we will be able to meet them where they are and provide for them, whatever those unique needs are. At times, these needs are easy to meet and we get to sit back and watch our kids thrive. Other times, the answer isn't as obvious, and we have to weigh out the pros and cons and hope we've made the right decisions.
One mom is struggling with this, and she took to Reddit to get advice on a situation she's in with her 11-year-old son.
A mom took to Reddit's AITA community to give a backstory on her family and ask for some advice.
According to her post, she has a 13-year-old daughter and an 11-year old son, and she's married to the father of her son. "While I love both my kids equally my son has always been a difficult kid," she wrote, explaining that he "skips school, fights with teachers, and steals."
The original poster continued to say that the psychologists at school and authority figures "said he has conduct disorder and we feel that label has just given him more pushback from teacher."
"While he does have some anger issues he’s still a bright young man who his father and I feel just needs love."
OP says the family has been going to therapy and her son is also getting individual therapy.
"His grades have since improved and his behavior has intermittently improved," she shared. But she says the past few months have been challenging on him and "he’s gotten angry again probably because of being cooped up."
"Last week, after a fight with his sister he ended up gorilla gluing some of her stuff on to surfaces," OP confessed.
The mom said they went back to therapy and then things got stressful.
"We went back to therapy and the therapist suggested a treatment facility. She only suggested it but my daughter keeps begging me to put him in one," she explained.
"My husband is furious at the suggestion because he doesn’t want to lose access to our son and he doesn’t want a bright boy to be locked up like he’s some criminal," OP added.
And that's where the problem lies.
OP said she would be upset to send her son away, but her husband blames the daughter.
She said it would "break my heart to send my son to a facility and my husband thinks that this is mostly just revenge on my daughter’s part because she’s angry with him."
"When my daughter asked me again, I told her that I refuse to send her brother to a facility where he might be prescribed drugs or labeled a 'problem,'" OP wrote. "And that I have hope that if I continue talking to him he’ll eventually get over his anger."
"My daughter’s saying that she wants to find her father and live with him and that really hurt me," mom shared.
"And letting them take my son away would also hurt my husband and fill him with hate and resentment towards everybody involved in the incident."
She then asked the Reddit community if she was in the wrong here and people didn't hold back.
"YTA," one wrote. "I was that kid. I had severe self-harm and suicidal ideation problems, and regularly deliberately caused problems in my family because I was in pain and didn't know how to get it out or cope with it. I was sent to a treatment facility for help and it changed my entire life."
The poster continued: "It sucked, and I didn't want it at the time, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me — a wake-up call that I was seriously messing up my life and relationships, while getting the care I needed. Your son is damaging property and relationships, and causing other people pain and anxiety just by him living there. It's not fair to his sister or to anyone else that has to interact with him. Give him the escalated help he needs."
"YTA," another agreed. "I’m very concerned because you keep labeling him as a 'bright boy' but the problem here is not his intelligence but rather his interactions with others. If he doesn’t seek/receive help now, while he can still be counseled, you risk having him actually labeled as soon as he’s 18 (or legal age wherever you live) and have prisons take care of discipline for you."
The commenter added: "These kind of treatment facilities can help with counseling, medications to perhaps stabilize any underlying disorders and teach him how to appropriately interact. Nothing good will come of sweeping his problems under the rug and both he and your family will continue to suffer."
"YTA," a third commented. "If a professional, who you have trusted and has directly helped your son improve at some point, suggests something, you don't blow them off. Losing access to your son is a far better option than what could happen to either your son or your daughter if this behavior were to continue."
The commenter also noted: "You're thinking of yourselves only. Your daughter is begging for help directly. Your son is begging for help indirectly. Don't ignore that for fear of your husband being furious or 'losing access' to your son for a short amount of time."
"YTA." Another wrote, saying that her son doesn't only need love. "You cannot love someone’s illness away. If love alone cured chemical imbalances in the brain, mental illness wouldn’t exist. Your son is not well. He needs care that you cannot provide. Refusing to acknowledge that is hurting him, hurting your daughter, and hurting you."
The commenter also tried to explain the issue: "Your 'bright boy' has an illness that requires specialized treatment that professionals should be overseeing. If he had a brain tumor, would you refuse to send him to an oncology ward because you don’t want him labeled as a cancer patient? Your son is sick. Failing to get him treatment is the opposite of 'love.' In fact, it’s medical neglect. If you love your son, you should love him enough to do whatever it takes for him to get better, even if that means admitting that you can’t help him."
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