We are pretty lax about our kids' hair. Our daughter didn't get her first haircut until she was over 3 years of age and my mom did it. It went down past her bottom. Rapunzel would be proud.
But the difference between our daughter and son is that one prefers dipping their toe in mud while the other dives in head first.
Our son's hair was getting too long and difficult to clean. Whenever we washed it, there would be sand, grass, dirt, and random sticky stuff that would cling to his mop.
But my husband was adamant about not cutting it. He wanted to preserve the lovely curls that he never had. He always wished the universe granted him some kink in his hair instead of the genetic Asian locks that are as straight as sticks.
His son's tresses are like his separate pride and joy. He's trying to live his dream of having hockey hair through his offspring.
Then one day, after giving our son a stressful bath, my husband came downstairs and says, "OK, you can ask your mom to cut his hair. But only a small trim."
Then he used his fingers to show me exactly how much a trim looked like.
He told me he trusted my mom because she was a trained hairdresser back in the day.
So I grabbed my phone and texted my mom. But I forgot to mention the trim part. The next day when I picked my son up from my parents, he looked like a cotton swab. I quickly called my husband, but he didn't answer so I texted him, telling him that my mom did more than a trim.
He called me immediately.
Before I could say anything, I started laughing nervously.
"You think this is funny? What does it look like? Send me a picture now!" I snapped a pic of my son. Swoosh … I sent it to him.
A short moment later, he was yelling and repeating himself, "That is NOT a trim. I told you to tell your mom it was only supposed to be a trim. Why didn't she listen? She obviously didn't care about what I wanted. I'm never letting her cut his hair again."
I interrupted him, "OK … so here's the thing. It's not my mom's fault. I looked back at my texts and I realized that I didn't mention the whole trim part to her."
There was dead silence. Then a loud sigh.
He was absolutely livid.
"You wanted this all along. You've been saying how you wonder what he would look like with short hair, that maybe people wouldn't think he was a girl so often," he said. "You purposely didn't tell your mom to only trim it."
I replied, "That's not true. I didn't intentionally do this. Yes, it's my fault for forgetting, but I didn't want this to happen."
He scoffed, "Whatever."
Then I mumbled something about coming home and the conversation ended. I stepped into the house with our son and my husband took one glance at him and looked away.
Our son could sense the tension and shouted at his dad, "Don't look at my hair!"
My heart broke.
My husband ran, picked him up, held him in his arms, and asked, "Do you like your new haircut?" My son shook his head and answered with a resounding, "No!"
I felt horrible, but my pride got the best of me the next day. I kept making light of the situation and dismissing my husband's feelings, telling him that it was only hair and it will grow back.
At first, he would respond with, "I'm not talking about this anymore. You know how I feel about it."
Then he became silent for the next couple of days. So on the third day after the fiasco, I told my husband this, "I'm sorry I forgot to tell my mom that it was supposed to be a trim. Honestly, I'm surprised at myself for my carelessness. I know how much our son's hair mattered to you."
Then I started thinking about the whole thing and why I didn't feel right about what happened.
The most important thing I realized is that I'm a big believer in allowing our children to have autonomy over their bodies, explore their identities, and feel empowered to express themselves. He didn't want to have short hair and we didn't even ask him. Also, down inside, I admit I may have subconsciously wanted my mom to cut more than my husband wanted.
"I was curious about what he would look like if he had more of a masculine hairstyle instead of long locks," I said. "That's an unfortunate reflection of beliefs around gender that I'm trying to shed. Lastly, you're right, he does look cuter with longer hair."
He responded, "Yeah, you're right. We didn't even bother asking him. Thanks for saying that."
It's been many months since then and his hair looks the way it was before. Although hair grows back, these are the lessons I won't forget.
