There’s never a "perfect" time to have a baby, but if you’re a working woman it can be hard to know how (and when) it's the right time to take off from work. One woman completely shocked her partner after telling him that she’d only have their child if he compensated her for the money she’d lose by taking her full maternity leave — $50,000 — and now he’s turned to Reddit looking for a little advice.
The couple have been together for six years and have been “spiritually married” for two.
“We are not legally married, although at this point we are essentially common law,” the Original Poster wrote in a since-deleted post on Reddit's r/relationships forum.
Financially, they each make more than $175,000 annually and split everything down the middle.
“We paid for our wedding, honeymoon, everything 50-50, although I did pay for the cost of our rings and her engagement ring,” he explained. “Our mortgage payments were 50-50 and we comfortably own our home now, so much of our income goes to savings, investments, home improvements and discretionary spending.”
Because they’re both high earners, they’ve decided to keep their finances separate.
“We're both highly independent people and both very career driven,” he explained. “It's part of the reason I'm so attracted to her — she's amazing at what she does, and I'm so proud to be able to introduce her as my wife and explain what she does.”
The OP thought they were on the same page about their recent decision to have a baby — but something recently happened that made him less sure.
“Yesterday I came home and my wife was on the phone. She seemed like she was in a hurry to end her conversation and tried to evade my question when I asked who she was talking to,” he recalled.
“It was her sister. They don't talk a lot, so that was a bit weird,” he continued. “She still works from home, so she continued to do some work, then we had dinner and watched some news. Regular, pleasant evening. Then she says she wants to have a serious talk, and asks me to make us some tea and meet her upstairs at her work desk.”
Wasting no time with chitchat, the OP’s wife explained that her job will let her take a year of maternity leave but will only cover about 50% of her salary for up to six months.
The remaining six months have to be taken unpaid, she added.
“She was very direct, and said that while her insurance would cover the vast majority of hospital related costs during pregnancy and childbirth, taking a six month break from work would cost her almost $50,000 since her pay would be cut in half,” he recalled. “She is asking me to compensate her for that $50,000, in addition to agreeing to split any related but unexpected costs to pregnancy and childbirth.”
In her opinion, she’s the one who’s taking a financial hit so they can start their family.
“She had a printed list of expectations in terms of what she expected financially, listed some things that her insurance may not cover,” he added.
The OP could see her logic, but the whole idea sort of creeped him out.
“I am really very turned off by this because she is essentially asking me to pay her to have our child (or children?),” he wrote.
The OP’s wife saw him hesitate and “doubled down.”
She told him that ideally she’d return back to work after six months, but realistically she might need the full year.
“So, she had another plan drafted for that,” he wrote.
“For the first six months, her work will give her 50% of her salary, and I would compensate her for the rest, but for the next six months, since her work would not compensate her, and because this loss is something she is doing for the family, she is ‘comfortable splitting the loss of her income,’ and only asking me for 50% of her salary instead of 100% for the second six month period, and she will take the loss of 50% of her salary,” he recalled.
“The idea I guess is that both of us ‘suffer’ half the loss of income for the second six month period. However, if she takes six to 11 months off, any months after the 6th can be prorated.”
She also drafted a detailed list of how she imagines they’ll split housework, save up for child care, and split the costs of an extra housekeeper “for at least the first four years.”
“I kid you not, it's a 16 page ring binder that she handed me with detailed notes, some explanations, and lists of expenses,” he explained.
The OP had no idea “how to process this,” he continued.
“My first thought is shock, because, despite our salaries, $50k-$100k is a lot to demand. The idea of a payment plan to have a child is just gross. And many couples manage to do this without paying their wives to have children.”
He admitted that there’s some logic to what his wife was saying, “but there's something so transactional about it that puts a bad taste in my mouth.”
“I didn't fight it or argue, and she's basically allowing me to think about it, but says if having kids is something we're going to do, she wants to write up an agreement and go to a lawyer (splitting the cost of that is ALSO in the binder),” he continued.
The only thing that still bothers the OP is that his wife spoke with him after speaking to her sister — and they never talk.
“I am partially excited and scared that the timing of this means that she is actually currently pregnant and that my response to her will have real consequences if I disagree with her,” he wrote. “She has previously had an abortion, and only told me after the fact (almost a year later), because it was early into dating.”
Although the OP understands why she made the choice, “the fact that she makes decisions like that so independently has me incredibly cautious right now,” he admitted.
He checked their trash cans and didn’t see a pregnancy test, but he did notice that she’s been asking for tea instead of coffee.
“I want to ask her if she's pregnant, but we both had busy days today, and I was processing and it didn't even occur to me on the day we first discussed this,” he explained. “Definitely a conversation to have, but I don't know whether that should influence my response here.”
Some commenters thought the OP needed to get over himself.
"I think it’s funny how you’re all in on doing everything 50-50 and love that she’s career and business oriented, EXCEPT for the one biggest thing in which you’d carry significantly less of the financial, physical, mental, and emotional burden … for YEARS to come," wrote one person. "All of a sudden it’s ‘gross’ to do things 50-50 and operate as individuals in business?"
"Hang on, why would you not be 100% supporting your partner financially while she is raising your child? Are you seriously expecting her to pay 50% of the bills while she's not working?" another commenter wondered.
While a third commenter put it this way: "Your wife is being pragmatic. You do not share finances so she is asking you to equally share in the financial hit that will come with taking maternity leave.
"She is communicating to you her needs and wants," the person continued. "She is protecting herself. She is also protecting her relationship with you and future family because without this type of communication many couples end up in a resentful sexless marriage due to the s— end of the stick women always get after childbirth."
On the other hand, some people thought their whole relationship was sort of weird.
"JFC this is supposed to be a loving relationship, not a goddamn business transaction — my divorce had more warmth than this … contractual obligation," another commenter wrote.
"You both sound exhausting and this relationship sounds like it's set up so either of you can pick up and run at any moment," someone else chimed in. "Reading this was baffling to me."
Later in the thread, the OP defended himself and his unique relationship.
"People have children outside of marriage all the time, and that's okay," he wrote. "People don't stay with their spouses forever, and that's fine too. Neither says anything about willingness to care for children, which, aside from being morally obligated to do, I would legally be obligated to do, if we ever had children."
The OP added that he thought their relationship was a lot "healthier" than marriages "where people feel trapped and unable to escape."
"The fact that we both choose each other specifically when it's easy to pick up and leave indicates that the choice is a real [one], and we choose each other on a daily basis," he continued. "She's not trapped with me because she needs me or because divorce is inconvenient and vice versa."
But now the OP needs to decide if he's really going to be there for her and support her as she has their children.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
