Being a new mom is exciting and wonderful, but at the same time, it is incredibly hard, isolating and, often very lonely. It takes work and can be completely overwhelming. But motherhood is also one of the most rewarding things in life that most of us will ever experience. It’s not easy, but it is worth it.
But that doesn’t mean that in the middle of it, a new mom doesn’t wish it were a little easier, especially when dad gets to live his life untethered and unhindered in a way she cannot. This can cause mom to feel some envy, which can unknowingly turn into resentment if left unaddressed.
It can be lonely …
It all started when the letter writer, a new mom, started having some instinctual resentment toward the fact that her husband could continue living his life pretty much as he did before they had their son.
She wrote to Slate’s “Care and Feeding” column for some advice, guidance, and maybe just a wee bit of commiseration.
The new mom is grateful, yet conflicted.
“I am finding it hard not to resent my husband for being able to return to normal life after the birth of our child," she wrote. "Don’t get me wrong, he is very active and present in our child’s life.”
The LW adds, “We have a happy 4-month-old, and he is always playing with him, holding him, caring for him etc.; he’s definitely pulling his own weight where the baby is concerned. He also works full time from home, so I am happy to care for the baby while he earns money.”
This all sounds lovely, but it’s suddenly hitting her that there is a massive gulf between being a primary and secondary parent. For example, moms regularly have to hold their children while going to the toilet when nobody else is around.
LW has started feeling overwhelmed, but doesn’t know how to ask for the help she needs from her partner.
LW continues, “My idea of socializing is having someone come over to hold the baby while I fold laundry. If I want to have time away from my son, I need to decide at least 24 hours before, pump milk, find a suitable babysitter and then pump while I’m out. He can just… leave and know I’m here. He’s been able to go to birthday parties, to the gym, for walks on his own, just because he wants to. And while I’m happy for him to do things that make him happy, I also resent that freedom.”
What’s even more conflicting for her is that LW doesn’t know how to constructively channel what she is feeling. “Whenever I try to think of a practical change my husband could make to support me, I can never think of anything," LW says. "He’s so good at responding when I ask for help. I just want to stop feeling resentful all the time. Is how I’m feeling just a normal stage of motherhood?"
The mom tribe was there for LW!
"I don't really have advice other than to say it gets better over time – and if it doesn't, please talk to your doctor about potential PPA/PPD," wrote one commenter. "I guess my practical advice might be to leave the house as much as you can, even with the baby. Having coffee with a friend at least once a week was the key to me starting to feel human again. Good luck LW!"
"Consider building up a stash of pumped milk or introducing formula so you have the ability to leave more spur-of-the-moment," wrote another commenter. "One thing that worked well for me was for the first feeding of the day (like after the longest stretch of sleep), I pumped and my H fed the baby a bottle of pumped milk from a previous day. Since I was able to pump significantly more in that one pumping session than she was eating in one feeding, I built up a huge stash, with the added bonus of my H having a nice regular bonding opportunity by feeding her one bottle every day."
"Go out with friends as a whole family and make your H the person in charge of the baby for the majority of the outing," was someone else's advice. "We'll often do something low key and spontaneous like meeting friends at an outdoor brewery, and I will nurse the baby as needed while we're out but other than that it's my H who is entertaining her, changing her etc. At 4 months, this is actually a great age for them just dozing off in the stroller while you're hanging out (at 10 months it's just now getting a little more challenging for us). Same can go for taking a night off while staying in- basically just say to H, 'come get me when they need to eat' and let him fly solo while you take a bath, binge watch your shows, whatever."
So, how should the new mom go about talking to her hubby about how she's feeling?
One commenter reassured the new mom. "You’re correct about the massive gulf, and your feelings are not only valid, but probably familiar to many readers (and to myself). I will start by telling you that it does get easier with each milestone of independence. Once you are no longer breastfeeding and/or pumping, leaving the baby is less of a gamble. Once he is potty trained you can ditch the cumbersome diaper bag. And so on. Some families handle these early infant days more equitably than others (or they have hired help to get them through it), but yes, in my experience this is a normal stage of motherhood for many mothers. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, because you feel tethered to the baby, and even tethered to the house."
Most moms who've been there would agree with this commenter, who added, "The most important thing you can do is talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. Loss of independence is a really big adjustment for new moms, but its impact isn’t tangible and easy to see to our partners and friends. I can recall a conversation when my first son was a baby, and I asked my husband if he minded if I went over to HomeGoods or something; he looked at me like I was a crazy person when I profusely thanked him for the opportunity."
"I’m sure he was completely baffled by why I was so grateful to go to the store — but of course, the trip wasn’t about the destination, it was about the ability to spontaneously leave with only my wallet and keys in hand. I swear I have never felt such freedom before or since. The conversation with your husband doesn’t have to put any blame on him or ask him for any alterations of his behavior; it’s just helpful to know that, even if you can’t change certain things, someone is at least listening to you."
