The first few weeks postpartum are so dang hard — and people never really talk about it. No matter how much you love your kid, your whole world has changed and it’s perfectly understandable to feel off-kilter after having a baby.
On Reddit, one new mom has admitted that it’s been so hard for her to adjust that she’s started to get “jealous” of her husband for not being the “default” parent — and unfortunately, the resentment is starting to set in.
It’s not about how much the original poster loves her 5-week-old daughter, it’s about how much her life has changed post-baby.
As she explained in a post on the r/BabyBumps forum, “I can’t help but be jealous of my husband that he isn’t the ‘default’ parent. He can pop out to the shops on a whim, he can go take a shower whenever he wants and I don’t even have the luxury of going to pee without having to think about it.”
She wrote that she felt like her husband has had a “whole different parenting experience” than she’s having and what’s worse — “he has absolutely no concept of mine.”
Take their Easter plans, for example.
The OP’s husband was angry that she wanted to cancel their plans to take a trip with their in-laws last minute, but their baby “is going through her first developmental leap and is SO fussy and sleeping horribly, plus she wants to eat every hour,” she explained.
She wrote that her husband “just doesn’t understand why I think it’ll be stressful and not enjoyable for me,” she added.
The OP tried to explain it this way to him: He can just say “I’m going fishing” and leave for the day without a second thought — but she doesn’t have that luxury.
“I cannot leave our child for more than an hour because I am her food source,” she wrote. “I am just jealous of his freedom and I get angry because he doesn’t understand how much different I have it.”
Most commenters agreed that things in their relationship were not equal.
"Why does your husband get to have so much freedom?" one commenter wondered. "He is an equal parent, just because you breastfeed doesn’t mean he gets to go out and do what he wants. That’s not an equal partnership, he’s a deadweight."
"My observation has been that kids have a heirarchy of attachment," another commenter wrote. "Primary parent, secondary parent, grandparents and or other regular adults, people they recognize but dont see regularly, strangers. And if you're the primary caregiver everyone else is chopped liver if you're available. So be less available. Bottles and pumping are your friend. Combo feeding is GREAT. A bottle here or there of formula so that you don't go insane is fine. Decree the help you need. Which might be laundry, dishes, food whatever. And then when dad is parenting get out of the way and let him do it."
While a third commenter exclaimed that her husband was "not pulling his weight!"
"As long as you're feeling unbalanced about the effort you vs he is putting into raising your baby there is great risk of resentment building and deteriorating your relationship as a couple," the person wrote. "If he is resistant try getting to a couples therapist so someone else can explain it to him differently."
And other parents could relate to the OP's story all too well.
"I definitely got emotional realizing how much of the parenting weight was on my shoulders and overwhelmed and also a bit resentful of my own husband for the same reasons," shared one mom. "The mom piece of the pie swells to the point where you’re looking for the sliver of 'you' that’s left. But it does get better and life will get rebalanced. Once baby sleeps longer, get me time on schedule. I made sure there was a three to four hour block on Sundays when I wasn’t the default parent. I could peace out or sleep or shower in peace or whatever I felt like."
"We are formula feeding precisely because I don’t want to be the default parent," another mom admitted. "My husband has taken on all baby-relate tasks before baby arrives as well (I.e. registry, nursery, signing us up for a class, finding the pediatrician etc). I feel a little bad, but I have to grow and birth the baby. And as this baby grows up, society will always expect more of me than my husband."
"Just some solidarity as I’m going through something similar with my husband and 10-month Little One," another mom chimed in. "Modern-day egalitarian parenting aside, being the parent who provides the most of the childcare feels instinctually right for me. I love being the one to provide for most of my LO’s needs. But I have to say that I hadn’t anticipated how this would leave an opening for my husband to just… go about his usual business. I swear for him it was like getting a new puppy, for all that becoming a father seemed to change his life. It does feel insanely unfair at times and it makes it so much worse when they can’t seem to wrap their heads around how difficult it is for us."
In the comments section, the OP explained that part of the problem is that parenthood hasn't come as easily to her husband as it has for her.
"I honestly wouldn’t say he isn’t a SAFE person to leave baby with, like he’s good with her but he gets frustrated when he can’t settle her and then she can sense that and just gets worked up," she explained. "I know he would never ever harm the baby I can say that with 100% certainty, but babies read our feelings and emotions so if he isn’t calm, neither is she and I feel guilty leaving if I know they’re both gonna be stressed if that makes sense."
And all she really needs is help.
"Like I hate to complain cause I love this girl more than life and I love being a mom," she wrote, "but it would be nice to have like … an equal partner!"
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
