“I had a nightmare,” my 7-year-old said into the darkness. My son climbed into bed and told me about his dream. Without overthinking it, I found the right combination of words to calm him. He fell asleep, but I stayed awake. I wanted to remember what it felt like to be confident in a role I’d lost all certainty in — being a mom.
Not too long ago, listening to my motherly intuition was my jam.
I trusted my instincts when it came to comforting during after-school hurt feelings or navigating bedtime rituals. Admittedly, I didn’t start out believing in these instincts. Like my breast milk, my parenting intuition was super slow to come in.
When my son was first born, I was terrified I’d make a mistake.
As a first-time mom, I looked to websites, books, and other moms I stood in line with at the grocery store to give me feedback before I trusted my own wisdom — until my newborn was diagnosed with colic.
When the screaming took over, the advice dropped out. After weeks of trying to comfort my kid by walking, rocking, and singing showtunes, it was clear others didn’t know his likes and dislikes as I did. My son and I made it through this wacky phase with my gut and his screams to guide us. My intuition wasn’t a loud know-it-all type of voice, but more of a quiet inspiration combined with a deep knowledge of my kid.
After that, I grew more confident in my parenting style.
As he grew, I trusted that inner whisper so the terrible twos weren’t so terrible and school problems eventually found their solutions. And then a worldwide pandemic entered our world.
“Mom, can we go outside and play?”
Staring at my son, I checked in with my gut.
Where answers normally came quickly, there was a silent space. My brain took over asking questions like, "Would people pass too close? Was that a problem? Would he be safe?" All the constant questioning kept my mind spinning and my intuition silent.
The pandemic has paralyzed me.
I’m back in the newborn phase of my parenting — scared to make a mistake at the expense of hurting my son. This dread has silenced my instincts. I struggle constantly with making decisions because the trust I have in myself feels lost. My intuition has been such a part of my parenting — connecting me to a deeper knowledge of myself and also my kid. How do I keep him safe without it?
Not totally sure how to reboot my motherly intuition, I’m relearning what it means to trust myself.
I’m searching out familiar parenting situations where I (mostly) know what I’m doing — like helping out in the bad dream department. I’m hoping to regain some confidence helping my son through situations where I feel more like my old parenting self. This way I can hopefully once again trust my instincts to guide me so that I can continue to guide my son.
