The Classifieds
Lactose Intolerant
Translation: If this kid has so much as a single M&M, be prepared with a Costco-size package of toilet paper, a change of clothes and a phone with the local pharmacy on speed dial. A drop of milk will make that kid’s pants blow with a force so impressive that a pod of whales two oceans away will likely stop to offer a standing ovation.
Slow Learner
Translation: Have a blast trying to get them to do anything your way. Just know that no matter what, it’s their way or the highway, dude. You can try to teach this kid some new tricks, but we’re just warning you right now that if you think banging your head against the wall sounds painful, you have not spent an afternoon trying to get this kid to understand that Connect Four is not just about trying to get his own four discs in a consecutive line, but it's also about trying to prevent the other player from getting theirs diagonally or across in a row.
Experiences Separation Anxiety
Translation: Hope and pray that the front door is padded, because when mom and dad walk out and close it behind them, that kid will hurl themselves against it with the strength of Superman reversing the rotation of the Earth. Don’t worry, though, the kid will get over it—just as soon as mom's and dad’s movie ends … which is after they finish dinner and drinks and have dessert and coffee after their meal and take the long, long way home.
Prefers a Little Extra Personal Space
Translation: Back away from the toys. Leave the cookies on the table. In fact, just keep walking out the door. This is not a kid who likes to share, which means you’d do best to keep your hands on your lap and your eyes closed while in a 3-mile radius of his room, because if you so much as sneeze on a misplaced Lego, Quentin Tarantino will likely stop by to take notes for the murder sequence in his next film.
Shy
Translation: You’re in luck! As soon as mom and dad walk out the door, this kid is going straight under the bed, only to emerge when you can prove with 100 percent certainty that you’ve crossed the state line. Don’t take it personally—when she talks to her parents afterward, she'll say you’re the best friend she's ever had, despite the fact that you look scary, smell weird and didn’t feed or read to her.
Spirited
Translation: No, it’s fine—really. Go ahead and argue about whether Goofy is a dog or a mouse (he’s a dog, by the way). You might be Walt Disney’s only living heir, but as far as the kid is concerned, you’re wrong. About everything. Just nod your head, giggle softly and smile at all times—unless a frown is in order. Good luck figuring out in which is appropriate at any time, and leaving with any shred of confidence intact.
