Let’s be real: With all the joy the holidays bring for everyone, they also can bring a lot of stress. For families that co-parent due to separation or divorce, the stress can skyrocket due to figuring on how to handle school vacations, time spent with different families, and figuring out how to keep old family traditions going.
But if you can find a way to positively co-parent, the holidays can be a wonderful time for you and your family to create new traditions.
In general, the holidays can cause a lot of unwanted commotion for all.
“Holidays are interesting events for most families,” says psychologist and life coach, Dr. Robin Hornstein. “People feel emotions ranging from connection to loneliness due to circumstances ranging from family estrangement to overload in larger groupings.
"During the holiday season, therapists are often called upon to help their clients navigate the bumpy rides of family expectations and obligation. The Hallmark holidays are not often what people experience, so the goal becomes to carve out what makes us each feel safe and peaceful during events or when we choose not to be part of events. With that as a backdrop, we add the negotiations around our children when we are co-parenting kids after separation or divorce.”
So is there a way to create a positive balance for families that co-parent during the holidays?
How can families figure out how to handle school vacations, plan trips with either parent, or handle obligations with extended family? Hornstein says that after the dust settles, many families have approached co-parenting with an amazing amount of creativity and open hearts.
“The way to get to the creativity is to pull back and ask yourself a question," she says. "What memories do you want your kids to have of meaningful holidays? Can you remember why you loved this person and had children with them? What would be doable this year, maybe more next year?”
Each family must find what works best for them — for each parent and for their children.
Hornstein says she has seen families continue the same traditions, adding new partners as the years go on, which allows kids to see connection and love doesn’t have to end even if a marriage or partnership ends.
Alternatively, Hornstein says that some people just switch every year to create an easy pattern for the kids, meaning that one year one parent has the child for the holiday vacation and the next year, the other. Some rotate between holidays during the same year.
When kids are past the age of wishing that their parents would get back together, some parents find that involving the kids in planning the holidays together can be beneficial. Of course, younger, and even some older kids may not be able to do this, since it can foster hope for reuniting.
Here are some tools to help co-parent during the holidays.
With so many families practicing co-parenting, there are wonderful tools to help them make the transition easier, especially during the holidays with so many schedules thrown off.
During the holiday season, consider downloading a co-parenting app like Onward, a good one for sharing expenses. If you are looking for something a little more advanced, try WeParent, whose founder has a doctorate in psychology. This app is designed to help with managing schedules and appointments, as well as expenses and custody schedules.
For something to help with co-parenting that is focused specifically on the child’s needs, consider Home Sweet Homes Journal, a one-of-a-kind co-parenting journal. With Home Sweet Homes Journal, children have an outlet to record journal entries and note their emotions for the day, while parents can feel a part of their child’s life during the holiday season, even on days that they’re physically not there.
Happy holidays for everyone should be the ultimate goal.
Hornstein says the most important thing is to reduce stress for all parties involved. “If you can sit with your co-parent and share what you are able to tolerate or not as well as your vision of the holiday season, it can help foster the journey to happy holidays for everyone. Keeping in mind that this is a time when good co-parenting can involve just being able to take some extra days with your kids to cover your ex and vice versa.”
Kids like to be around parents who are kind to and about each other and support their children's love of the other parents, explains Hornstein. “Obviously, in extreme cases of abuse and neglect this looks very different. But the best holiday gift you can give to your kids is to negotiate peaceably when you can and create solid memories of adults who act like adults for them.”
