I always thought I was a pretty even person before I had kids. I would get grumpy here and there, but really only letting hangry get the best of me would throw me into any sort of rage. I was level-headed and pretty calm otherwise. Being so mad at a single person was a foreign concept until I had kids.
The newborn days are exhausting and overwhelming, but listen to me, mama, the toddler years will make the newborn days seem downright blissful. OK, maybe not quite blissful, but not as frustrating. Babies can't talk back yet. They don't have fully formed personalities yet. They don't mimic and demand and yell. Toddlers are a whole new animal.
Toddlers push all your buttons and then push them again.
They develop a stubbornness like you've never before encountered. When they get an idea in their head, they will willingly engage you in a battle of will to get it. If they don't like the design on their diaper, they will rage and fight you to take it off. They want you to pick them up while you're just trying to make lunch to fight off your own grumpiness? They will jump at you and push you until you get so mad that you have to step outside to take a breath.
This overwhelming frustration can lead to a pit of anger that you didn't know you had within yourself.
Kids push you into this pit and throw dirt on you until you rage back and need to figure out a way to get calm. For me, I need to remove myself. I need to physically shut a door to keep my kids from touching me so I can take a deep breath. Hugs don't work for me to calm down, but they do for my kids.
To give them what they need, I first need to take a minute for what I need.
I can't calm them down without first getting myself calmed down and my head back on straight. What triggered, my reaction probably isn't as bad as it seems, and I need a minute to realize that.
Just like when they lose their minds, I'm probably just hungry or tired. It usually isn't even about what triggered my reaction in the first place.
My toddler doesn't know what I need. That's not his job.
It's mine to know when I get too worked up. It's mine to figure out when to walk away. It's a work in progress, and I never knew I could get so mad at someone. Having kids has revealed this unpleasant side to me that I never knew existed. I know I'm not the only mom out there who has lost it. I'm not the only one who has yelled or needed to give myself a time out.
We're constantly learning about ourselves and our kids, and we make mistakes, but then we take a deep breath, wash our face, and learn from it.
We banish the negative thoughts and vow to do better next time. No matter how hard our kids push our buttons, there is nothing we wouldn't do for them — especially working to become a better mom.
