My daughter was between 1 and 2 when the baby fever came back and I began to feel the call to have a second one. While I thought I was comfortable with the idea, the second pregnancy itself, just before my daughter’s second birthday, was a surprise. Because of PCOS, or polycystic ovary syndrome, I needed fertility drugs to help conceive her, but my son came naturally, and my emotions about it were pretty twisted up from the beginning.
When I got pregnant, my toddler was still co-sleeping and nursing overnight. She was still a baby, and I felt bad my attention was about to be divided. I remember crying over how quickly she was about to grow up. I knew things were about to change, and it would happen too quickly for both of us.
I wanted the second baby fiercely, but I felt like I was already being pulled in two.
We worked on weaning and moving her to her bed pretty much immediately, but she would still crawl back in and snuggle with me in the middle of the night. The night I went into labor, I lay next to her as long as possible and as unmoving as possible so as not to wake her.
I timed my contractions with my phone but let her sleep as long as I could. That was the last time she slept in my bed with me.
My husband took over bedtime and took care of her more when my son was born. She was my shadow until I had a newborn that needed me constantly. The good thing that came out of this shift was that my husband got to spend more time with her. Before her brother was born, she was all about me but had to adjust once I had another baby on me all of the time.
I missed the closeness that we had when she was a toddler, and that’s something that I won’t be able to get back. It feels like I missed the last couple of years of her life while I was distracted by a smaller baby.
There was something so special about seeing her take to her little brother.
She grew so much in this time, and although I was distracted, there were plenty of things that I noticed. She always wanted to help me with him whenever she could when he was small. Seeing how quickly she loved him was touching to behold, and I did the best I could to spend time focused on her.
I’m still closer to my son since he is pretty little yet, but I’m working on my closeness to her.
I almost feel bad for relishing this closeness with my son, but I’m so reluctant to lose it after how quickly it seemed to go the first time. It's a constant struggle between enjoying the relationship with him and mourning that I didn't get much time with my daughter before he was born.
Instead of dwelling on what I lost and how fast time seems to be going, I’m choosing to focus on other things.
Such as who my daughter is right now and our larger family. Sharing me is just one of the things that they have to deal with sharing, and even though some times are easier than others, I wouldn’t trade being their mother for the world.
