When a couple divorces, their romantic relationship may be over, but if they have kids, they are never totally out of each other's life. Sometimes people move on, have children with someone else, and start a new family. And when they move on, their new life is their own. The ex doesn't have to be a part of that. But do they owe their ex any favors regarding a new partner or child? Some people seem to think so.
A woman visited Reddit's AITA forum to get some insight into a situation she is facing with her ex-husband. The OP and her husband divorced several years ago, and he remarried and now has another child. Sadly, his new wife is ill and will not be able to participate fully in the upcoming holidays.
To make things easier on his daughter, he's asked his ex-wife to include the little girl in her family's celebration. OP does not want anything to do with this, though, and her ex thinks she is being selfish and unkind. She disagrees but thought Reddit might be able to help.
The half-sisters get along great.
OP and her ex share a daughter, 13, and he has a 5-year-old daughter with his new wife. The girls are great friends, and they spend time together regularly. OP explained that when they are together, it is at her ex's house, not at her home.
"My ex husband and I got divorced 7 years ago. We share custody of our 13 year old daughter," she wrote on Reddit. "He got married and has a 5 year old daughter with his now wife. His daughter would spend time with my daughter regularly. They adore each other but she doesn't come to my house and they rarely meet up there."
Sadly, the ex's new wife has cancer.
It is a relatively new diagnosis, and she just recently started treatment. Because of the time of year, cancer has put a damper on the holidays. His wife is ill, and their family will not be able to celebrate as they usually do.
OP's ex thought that maybe his younger daughter could join her family's holiday gathering to give her a bit of normalcy.
"The other day he came to drop our daughter off and asked to speak to me. He talked about his wife's circumstances then how his family won't be able to have a christmas celebration this year. He said it wasn't fair for his daughter and asked if I could 'include' her in my family's celebration," she explained.
OP doesn't think adding his ex's daughter to the celebration is a good idea.
OP's family takes holidays seriously, and it's a special time for them. She doesn't think adding another child, who isn't hers, is the right thing to do. So OP said no.
"He pointed out how the girls will have a great time together bonding and making memories, but I said I was sorry but my family's traditional celebration is a sacred thing and I do not feel comfortable including anyone else. Plus it'd be awkward having her in my home. He said that his daughter may not be family to me but she sure is to her halfsister. He asked me to stop and 'think' about what's best for the kids here," OP wrote.
"I suggested he take his daughter to spend christmas with her grandparents (he said his parents and him are NC) and tried to cut the conversation short but he stopped me and started going on about how cruel it was for me to decline to include his daughter who's already having a hard time adjusting."
OP's ex wouldn't let it go.
OP's ex wasn't getting the hint. She realized that he was about to cry and told him to leave. The conversation was uncomfortable, and she didn't want to talk about it anymore, as she had already made her decision. He left but texted her asking her again to include his 5-year-old.
OP wouldn't budge, and now he's calling her "selfish and unfeeling." She discussed the situation with her family, who agreed it would make things uncomfortable at their Christmas celebration. Still, she wants to know if she really is a bad person for saying no.
First of all, this isn't OP's child.
Reddit made it clear that because OP isn't this child's mother, even though it's a sad situation, she has no obligation to take care of her.
"NTA d—, why is this OP's fault? Does anyone even know why they got divorced? What the circumstances are with the current wife?" one person asked. "Not her problem. Why should she spend her holidays with someone she doesn't even know just to make him and his wife happy? Sad that she's sick but not OP's problem. Why does she have to be unhappy or uncomfortable."
Others pointed out that this is a young child who would likely be more comfortable with her own family.
"This sounds weird, why would the 5-year-old want to spend Christmas with you and her sister, but not her parents?" someone else commented. "Why can't your ex, her father, organize a small Christmas celebration for his daughter? And neither of them have any family they speak with and see who are actually related to this little girl? She's five, it's one Christmas, having something small scale is not going to scar her for life."
And what about the fact that her mother has cancer?
Has OP's ex not considered that this could be his wife's last Christmas? Hopefully not, but Redditors think he owes it to his child to be with her mother, just in case.
"That child doesn't know you or your extended family, only your daughter," one person wrote. "This could be her last Christmas with her mom and he's wanting to take that away from her. Even if it's just the 3 of them in pajamas eating cookies all day. He's TA."
"NTA, why can't she spend Christmas with her mom? If it ends up being terminal, wouldn't it be better to be with her mom and dad than with her dad's ex wife's family," someone else wondered. "Why does he want his 5yo to spend an important holiday with people who don't have a relationship with her except for her sister? Very weird."
People pointed out that Christmas doesn't have to be grandiose. Some offered simple suggestions that OP could offer for a fun day for the child.
"Or ya know, with her MOTHER! This might be her mom's last Christmas if she doesn't beat the cancer!!" one person commented. "If I was in that situation you would have to tear my children from my arms. No WAY would I want them anywhere for Christmas than with me, even if all I had strength & money for was cuddles in bed while watching Christmas movies."
But some people think OP could show a bit of kindness.
Reddit agreed that OP could certainly say no, but she could also have a bit of compassion for the innocent child in the situation.
"You're well within your rights to refuse. You don't owe your spouse anything. It's your holiday and you can celebrate it however you want. BUT you are still the AH here," someone commented. "This child has a sick parent, she's only five, and you have the chance to show kindness and embrace the true spirit of Christmas. Instead, you're choosing to be a hard-nose about it, and in so doing, making a lot of people's lives bleaker at a time when you could be making them brighter and more hopeful."
"You know how sometimes on this sub people say NTA for 'justified a–hole.' You are like whatever the opposite of that is," another person commented. "YTA for something that is well within your rights, but is pretty heartless and cruel anyway."
Some want OP to look at the big picture. This child is potentially facing heartache.
"She's 5. Her mother is DYING. I would help in any way I could for any kid in this situation, relative or not. In fact, I'd do it if she was 10, or 13 or 20 freaking 1 years old just because it might help," one person chimed in. "And it is only awkward if you make it so. Lots of people invite people who have no one over for the holidays just for that reason alone. Friends, coworkers etc. And have a great time doing so. YTA."
OP, you may want to think this one through.
Sorry, OP, but Reddit doesn't have a definitive answer. Many people think that your ex is asking a lot of you, which he may be. But they also want you to consider the feelings of a an innocent little girl who might appreciate a day to escape some scary things happening in her life. Think this through and put yourself in your ex's family's shoes. You might just change your mind.
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