My birthday is nipping at my heels like a rabid wolverine, so pardon the philosophical self-reflection. I remember partying it up at 21 and 18 and even 16, and I still do. But now that Iām fully immersed in grown up-ness, it seems a certain amount of deep, spooky thinking is required.
On May 21, I will officially be around for 31 years. (Cough, cough. Jeez, I almost choked saying all those numbers together.) Thirty-one. Dayum! I couldāve sworn I just graduated from college. I sure am paying back enough in student loans to make me feel like a fresh-faced co-ed. But I digress.
Unless the Almighty Power who showers surprises on poor little blogger/writer/entrepreneurs turns some amazing tricks within the next two weeks, Iāll be turning 31 unmarried with one child. Iām the goal-setter, go-getter type, so I have an accomplishment schedule. But this is one I just canāt check off the list.Ā
Depending on what youāre talking about, 31 really isnāt that big of a number. Thirty-one dollars isnāt an exorbitant amount of money (although it means somethinā to me). Thirty-one people in a room wouldnāt furrow the fire marshalās brow, and unless theyāre waiting for the bathroom or their first meal after a hunger strike, a 31-minute wait wouldnāt put too much of a hurtinā on anyone.
But 31 years? Now thatās a whole other story. Thirty-one years of marriage, a 31-year jail bid, 31 years in one home ā thatās a long time any way you slice it. And a 31st birthday? Good skooga mooga. Thatās alotta candles on one lilā olā cake.
Honestly, I would swear Iām still 24, 25 at the absolute most. I look young, I feel young, I can still climb trees and bust cartwheels and smoke a sucka in a 100-yard dash like I did back when I was in a training bra and off-brand sneakers. So Iām not in the least bit worried about the vanity aspect of it. My mom is gorgeous and my grandmother was fabulous up until the day she went on to glory.
My struggle is defining what it means to be 31. Should I have a car thatās paid for? A financial planner, a sizzlinā 401(k) and some other vested accounts? Couldnāt I at least have a house with a little yard to fuss over and a mortgage to stress about? But above all else, shouldnāt I have found that fairy-taled Man of My Dreams by now and be living happily in holy matrimony with two or three more little bright-eyed Janelle-ettes scampering underfoot?Ā
Ā
My hang-up about turning 31 is a fear ā in fact, my biggest fear, trumping even frogs and cicadas ā that Iām not āwhere Iām supposed to be,ā that I squandered my youthful 20s in two long-term relationships that were initially promising but never delivered on the promise, that the older I get, the harder itāll be to realize my dream of a hubby and more kids, that even though I have about 20 major things I want to achieve in my lifetime, Iāll never get an opportunity to say āI doā as something that I did.
I donāt want to be married just for the sake of sliding a ring on some dudeās finger and jumping the broom with a Kool-Aid grin slathered across my face and a beautiful gown wrapped around my body. I want to be deep, deep in love while Iām doing it.
And so I wait. Maybe another 31 years. And thatās the scary part.
Every birthday, I sit down with a huge sheet of white poster board and write out my goals for that year. But this is the one goal I canāt make a deadline for. Itās out of my hands.
The bottom line is them eggs aināt gonna fertilize themselves. And my boyfriend, as much as I love him and as good of a guy that he may be, can turn 89 and decide that he wants to up and procreate a few more times. I donāt have that luxury. So while Iām not rushing him to the altar, I certainly donāt intend to sit around and let the ticking of my biological clock lull me to sleep at night, either.
Thirty-one means that I should have my ish together and to be quite honest, Iām still trying to figure out if I do. Still, Iām constantly renewing my determination to go on ahead and let 31 rock ā even if I donāt have a rock on my finger.
Am I a complete head case or do you have a life timeline, too? What did you expect to have accomplished by this period in your life?
Image via moonlightbulb/Flickr
