Are you one of those moms or dads who thinks you need to be âperfectâ in the eyes of your children? Do you hide your imperfections from your children so they can strive to live up to your âshiningâ example? My mom was like that. Growing up, hearing her stories about herself as a kid, teen, and young adult, I thought Iâd never live up to that standard. She was a good kid who never seemed to make any mistakes. I didnât realize that maybe it wasnât 100% true but instead the abridged and edited for television version.
I used to think I needed to be the perfect mom in front of my girls so that they would look up to me, respect me, and emulate me. Then I realized that I was doing them a disservice by pretending I was the perfect example because I was contributing to being part of the problem of perpetuating unrealistic standards. I decided in that moment to let my girls see my flaws.
I tell my girls relatable stories from my teen years. I let them know that I made mistakes. I make myself vulnerable in front of them so they can be open, honest, and vulnerable in front of me. It allows them to not feel like they need to live up to some crazy standards and makes it easier to love themselves for who they are instead of judging themselves on who and what theyâre not.
I never felt like I fit in.
I was a dork. I was a goth. I was a prep. I was a nerd. I didnât know who I was, and I always felt like I was on the outside looking in, even though I ran with the popular crowd.
Everything is not as it appears, and thatâs OK. The teen years are for trying on different "yous" and deciding which one feels the most you. You are not alone; no one always feels like they belong. Itâs OK not to be OK.
Relationships are hard.
My first boyfriend was the boy next door (literally), but he was four years older than me. He was popular and maybe it seemed like I had my s— together from the outside, but I never knew what I was doing. I was always torn between being the âgood girlâ I was expected to be and the flawed, impetuous, wild girl that I sometimes wanted to be.
I was confused all the time and cried a lot. Being âwifed upâ at 15 years old is totally overrated. There is nothing wrong with being single. You don't need someone else to make you whole. You are already a whole person, all by yourself. A partner is the cherry on top, not the cake.
Experimenting is not the end of the world.
I drank socially in high school and experimented with other substances in college. I'm embarrassed to say, I even made some questionable choices while under the influence. Itâs not the end of the world. You donât have to fit into anyone elseâs perception of you. Sometimes even the girl with the straight Aâs likes to let off a little steam.
You just have to be careful, safe, and never drive or consent while under the influence. Take an Uber or call me. Iâll come get you. No questions asked. Keep an eye on your drink, never take anything from a stranger, and travel in packs. One questionable choice is not the end of the world. We all make mistakes.
Sex happens.
I didnât have sex until I was in college. Yep, I never had sex with that first boyfriend. But sex happens and youâre not a whore if you want it or like it. Youâre not even a whore if you initiate it, contrary to what some people will have you believe. Again, just be careful and be sure that youâre mature enough to handle the consequences and know that sex does not equal love, but it doesnât need to either, as long as you are honest with yourself.
Love is love and it can be beautiful and magical. It can also be a disaster, but you learn something new from each relationship. Don't beat yourself up if things don't turn out the way you thought they would. Something and someone better is right around the corner.
Perfect grades are not everything.
I was the kid who always got A's. School was too easy. It wasnât a challenge at all. I got accepted to every college I applied to including some prestigious Ivy Leagues. But grades arenât everything. In life, they donât amount to much at all. I once got a C in effort and that didnât have any effect on my life. So do your best and thatâs good enough.
Some things are harder for some than others.
For all of my good grades, I was riding the driver's license test struggle bus for a long time. I didnât get my driverâs license until I was 17, and it took two tries because I was so nervous despite driving regularly since I was 15.
You'll be good at somethings and awful at others, and it's all OK. Just keep trying to accomplish the things you want. Eventually, you'll get it and in 10 years no one is going to know or care how many tries it took. The important thing is to not give up on your dreams.
There is no such thing as the perfect body.
My girls pull out bins from the attic sometimes and look at my old clothes from the '90s. My clothes donât fit them. They havenât been able to fit my clothes since they were about 10. They joked for a few years that I must have had the "perfect body." I eventually had to come clean that I was suffering from acute eating disorders and anorexia for almost a decade and I almost died for those tiny shorts and dresses.
I had to do this so they didn't follow in my footsteps. The size I was is nothing to strive for. I let them know that we all feel ugly sometimes, whether itâs on the inside or the outside. We all go through hard times, and nothing comes easy to anyone. We just donât know the whole story. Healthy always beats skinny.
Perfection is a myth.
On the outside, I may have seemed like I had a great high school experience: good grades, lots of friends, a boyfriend, and I was fairly popular. To anyone looking in from the outside it may have seemed that way. But in reality, I was suicidal and suffering from an undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I was living in poverty dealing with an alcoholic dad, a checked-out mom, and helping raise my five younger siblings.
Internally, my life was a train wreck, but nobody knew. How could they? It wasnât something to be proud of. Perfection is not a standard by which anyone should be measuring their life against because perfection is as fictitious as unicorns. Kid should just be the happiest version of themselves. Besides, what is "perfect" anyway?!
