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More than a decade after welcoming her children via gestational surrogate, actress Jordana Brewster is opening up about the complicated feelings she has about the way she brought her kids into the world. In a new essay she wrote for The Cut, Jordana admitted that she felt like she was an “imposter” for using a surrogate, and it’s resonating with a lot of moms who have been down the same path with their infertility.
Jordana was diagnosed with a brain condition that made it unsafe for her to carry a pregnancy.
In her essay, she explained that after having a seizure in 2008, she was diagnosed with a cavernous malformation (CVM) in the part of her brain where language is controlled. When she decided to have a baby, her doctor warned her that pregnancy would be too dangerous because of the increased blood flow in her body.
For her first baby, she used a gestational surrogate named Jessica. When Julian was born, she felt like an “imposter” since she hadn’t carried him in her body.
She didn’t feel like she “earned” her children.
For years after Julian’s birth, Jordana continued to feel that way, especially when she was around other moms.
“I felt like I had a dirty little secret: I hadn’t earned my child,” she wrote.
After her second child was born, also via surrogate, Jordana had two more seizures that led to surgery to remove the CVM becoming necessary for her, and it made her realize just how bad things could have been if she had chosen to get pregnant herself.
“It makes sense to me now that I didn’t feel like a mom back then,” she continued. “I hadn’t put in the time yet. At our first meeting, Jessica told me that she was doing the easy part; I had the real work of raising my sons. The real work of motherhood isn’t just pregnancy. It’s in the small, invisible, daily acts: the playdates, food fairs, school meetings, emergency-room visits, the co-sleeping.”
She’s not the only mom who feels this way.
The comments on the essay are filled with messages from fellow moms who have shared her feelings.
“As a fellow woman who needed the support of a gestational carrier due to cancer, this essay is so relatable,” one commenter wrote. “On the hard days, I deal with the same fear: did I not ‘earn’ my baby? And I less of a mom because I couldn’t carry her? Will she grow up all messed up and it’s my fault?”
Like Jordana wrote, motherhood is more about the actual parenting you’re doing and how you’re raising your kids, not the pregnancy. It’s a beautiful thing to be connected to your baby while you’re carrying them, but it’s not even close to the only thing motherhood is all about.
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