It's 5:45 p.m. and the lights are turned down low. Two mugs of room temperature boxed wine are resting on top of that awesome stand-alone fireplace you bought last year from those friendly Amish folks on the TV. Your R. Kelly mix CD is poised for play, and so are you. Slowly, seductively, your male friend takes off his shirt and you think, Is that chest hair and a third nipple? Score. You take your eyes off the forest that is his sagging breasts long enough to see a Redskins helmet tattoo peeking out from his elastic jeans waistband, and you're into it. Then he takes a deliberate, sexy walk around your air mattress and stops to remove his pants, revealing his underwear. The moment of truth has arrived.
Here are 5 things your man's underwear says about his style in the boudoir. Bow chicka bow wow.
Photo via nathanmac87/Flickr
50 Shades of Gray Areas
Gray boxer-briefs say, "My sexual techniques are just as boring and predictable as my choice of underwear. The longest relationship I've ever had has been with the Calvin Klein men's outlet, and I may or may not have once considered calf implants."
The Sumo
The sumo underwear look says, "I'm exotic, I think outside of the box, I'm good at wrestling, and I will dominate you with my physical and mental power. Oh, did I say 'I'? I meant 'we'. Say hello to my sumo buddies!"
The Polyblend
This polyblend pair says, "I'm ready for anything, including a track and/or a swim meet. I like clothing that wicks away any and every liquid. I'm meticulous, thoughtful, and not a fan of leaving stains. Oh, and, just wondering, is your brother home? No reason. Just asking."
The Loosey Goosey
Loose fitting boxers with a print of any sort say, "Yeah, my mom bought these for me last Christmas, and? She's amazing. She knows I like beagles, so she got me these beagle boxers. No woman will ever measure up to M-O-M, so I don't really bother trying to impress anyone. Also? The Yale MBA program is a joke. Who wants a Jägerbomb!"
The Green Banana Hammock
The green banana hammock says, "I'm all about a good time, ladies, and this chafing in my ass-crack isn't going to spread ointment on itself. I hope you like the smell of old beer because I haven't showered in days, but what I lack in hygiene, I make up for with enthusiasm and gratitude. I'm so, so happy this actually got me laid."
