A long-term relationship or marriage can be many things. It can be fun, it can be sexy, it can be joyful, it can be the place to raise kids and take on life together. It can also be the place where tiny annoyances can become lingering frustrations, which can turn into full-on conflict. Whether it is petty bickering or a deep, possibly game changing fight, most people don't really look forward to those tense moments when it can feel all too easy for things to get hurtful.
But it's important to recognize that just because conflict happens, it doesn't mean that a relationship is doomed. "Arguing with your partner is not always a sign that your relationship is unhealthy," says Rachel Eddins, a licensed counselor with Eddins Counseling. "In fact, having a tiff with your significant other can mean that you simply care about the relationship and are trying to find ways in which both partners can be happy and fulfilled. You simply want the best for everyone, and you are trying to find a way to express this."
So if conflict is both inevitable and sometimes productive, there can be some real value in trying to have better fights. And who has better advice than the actual professionals? We've rounded up 15 genius suggestions from therapists, couples counselors, and licensed social workers on how to have fights that make a relationship stronger.
Have a Safe Word
"The most productive conflict takes place when both parties are in a regulated, non-triggered state of mind. And the best way to achieve that is when you and your partner agree on a word or phrase that tells both yourself and your partner that one or both of you are triggered and the conversation must pause. The key to pausing an argument, mid-argument, is to state a specific time when you will resume the conversation. For example, you could use the phase, 'let’s bookmark this, and I’ll talk to you about this in an hour, after I get more clear and relaxed.' Or you could say, 'hurricane' then follow it up with, 'let’s finish this in the morning after we both get some sleep.' Here are a few of the special words some of my couples use, 'Cheezits,' 'parking lot,' '5/10,' and 'snickerdoodle' it doesn’t matter what the word is, it just has to be something you both commit to practicing." — Andrea Dindinger, LMFT, San Francisco, California
Have the Right Intention
"First, it helps to understand that arguing is healthy. All stable couples argue. What matters is how we argue. There are two ways to argue: We argue to win or we argue to heal. When you find yourself in an argument, ask yourself which angle you are taking. Arguing to win usually ends up with both parties hurt and defensive. Arguing to heal allows you both to grow and learn from each disagreement." — Rachel Astarte, LMFT, New York City, New York
Don't Get Sidetracked
"There are ways to go about fighting with your partner that don’t hurt each other’s feelings and can help to actually come up with solutions to the issues that you are facing. The best way to do this is to think about what you are trying to convey to the other person before speaking it. When an argument gets heated we sometimes forget the whole point of it, which doesn’t help to solve anything. You can then express your feelings or concern and let your partner tell you what they are feeling. Always let them finish, and never interrupt one another." — Rachel Eddins, M.Ed, LPC-S, CGP, Houston, Texas
Plan for Conflict Before There Is Conflict
"The best place to start with handling conflict is for the couple to discuss a plan for conflict resolution in a moment when there is no conflict, heated discussion, or unresolved feelings trickling over from a recent argument. Both parties must agree to come together to proactively improve this aspect of the relationship, be willing to listen to each other's point of view, and commit to problem solving as a couple. The aforementioned recipe results in a high likelihood that the next time they fight, the conflict can get resolved quicker, and with a compassionate conclusion that doesn't result in the need to step away and cool off." — Ellie Borden, BA, RP, CPP, Ontario, Canada
Know When to Get Help
"If either party engages in gaslighting, repeatedly bringing up the past, engaging in blame, and more, they may need to seek help from a couples therapist. There is only so much one party can do in that situation. Further, if the parties have triggers they haven't addressed, and/or open wounds from this or previous relationships that they cannot manage on their own, then a third party may be the best approach here as well. A few sessions may be enough to gain insight, identify triggers, understand the reason for their triggers, and help the other party understand the vulnerabilities attached to those triggers." — Ellie Borden, BA, RP, CPP, Ontario, Canada
Remember Active Listening
"Couples should be knowledgeable of and practice active listening. Active listening is work! It is about having your full-being focused on another person; it is about giving complete attention to another human being. And doing such gets harder and harder every day with all of our texting and emailing and phones ringing.
"Active listening demands that you are not thinking about yourself or about the upcoming gathering you're looking forward to, or all about the work you could be doing instead of listening to the person sitting in front of you. Active listening requires empathy, being able to put yourself in another's shoes, not necessarily to be able to help them, but to be able to then engage in a discussion that helps that person have more ideas about how to move forward." — Sharon Gilcrest O'Neill, Ed.S, LMFT, Ridgefield, Connecticut
Arguing in Front of the Kids Happens
According to HearMe app's Chief Medical Officer Dr. Michael Birmbaum, it isn't always a bad thing for kids to see their parents deal with conflict.
He says: "Parents should try to model constructive conflict management which means that they argue calmly and respectfully despite a difference in opinion, they stay on one topic and make progress toward a resolution. Explain what happened to your child and how you worked together to resolve it. Parents should acknowledge and explore their kids feelings and experiences to make sure they feel safe and secure."
Have Loving Body Language
"Body language is a huge piece of conflict. Researchers say that more than half and up to 90% of all communication is based on our body language. We want to feel safe and heard during a conflict. Crossed arms, furrowed brows, or a pressured tone of voice aren't conducive to good outcomes. Agreeing on staying mindful of body language can prevent escalation. Mindfulness in how our body and breath feel can help keep us grounded and connected to any changes within our body can help us know when we need a break." — Jackie Tassiello, ATR-BC, LCAT, LPAT, ATCS, Montclair, New Jersey
Tone Matters
"Couples need to be able to monitor how they are speaking to each other. I coach couples to ask their partner to modulate their tone: 'I want to hear you. Can you please take your tone down 25% so I can hear you?' This is a specific request and also lets the person speaking that you want to hear them. Again, the higher the tone, the more our brain will react as if there is a threat to our well-being. Most of us don’t know when we are raising our voices with each other. It happens fast when we want to be heard. So couples need to agree on how they’ll ask each other to lower the volume before they get into arguments. And practice asking for a tone/volume level modulation also in a tone that is not shrill or loud. If the person being asked cannot bring their voice down, then they can say, 'I need a 10 minute break so I can cool off.' Or their partner can suggest it, 'Why don’t we take 10 minutes and come back so we both can cool off.'" — Celeste Labadie, LMFT, Boulder, Colorado
Make a List of Boundaries
"I often suggest in therapy sessions for clients to create a list of each person's boundaries during an argument. This provides a safe guideline for partners to not say hurtful things in the moment. The list may include not bringing up old fights, no cursing, no raised voices, and no cruel comments." — Dana Colthart, LCSW, Edgewater, New Jersey
Remember To Compromise
"Disagreements with your partner are inevitable, but there is a wrong way and a right way to 'fight fair.' Before talking about the conflict, take time to figure out what the conflict is actually about and what kind of compromise you are willing to make. In relationships you will never get 100% of what you want. So if you come into a conversation with a compromise, you are more likely to get more of what you want." — Heather Cain, LPC, LCPC, Washington, DC
Avoid These Words
"When you're in a conflict, be very careful to use words like 'always,' 'never,' and 'forever.' When we're upset, we want to say things like 'you never do this for me' or 'I always take this responsibility' and we can hurt our partner's feelings more with these words. So, as best you can, keep your arguments about the event at hand, not bringing in outside relationship baggage.
"Another key to good conflicts is using 'I' statements as much as possible. Statements like 'I think …' and 'I feel …' will set you and your partner up for discussion and conversation, rather than accusations about each other." — Kevin Colemen, LMFT, Columbia, South Carolina
Tend to Feelings When Harm Has Been Caused
"Tend to the feelings of your partner before you begin to explain yourself. Often, partners lead with justifying their behaviors/decisions that led to the conflict, versus listening and understanding how their partner is feeling in the moment. This would be like stepping on someone's shoe, and explaining how the mistake happened before asking if they are OK or apologizing. I usually tell my couples that this is an advanced skill because it's normal for us to want be be understood and not be perceived as the bad guy. But leading with addressing your partner's feelings first will help them feel heard and more likely to hear and accept the explanation for your decision or behavior." — Miranda Campbell, LCSW, Atlanta, Georgia
Describe & Not Blame
"Describe the facts of the situation. At this point, you want to state only facts (do not state judgments!). By first describing the facts, you are setting up the conversation in an effective manner. Example: You are often on your phone when I talk with you. Express your feelings. It is important that you use 'I' statements. Example: This makes me feel sad, distant, and withdrawn. Assert by asking exactly what you need, in a clear and strong way. Example: Can you please put your phone away when we are having a conversation?" — Dr. Margaret Sala, LCP, Greenwich, Connecticut
Fixing vs. Feeling
"There are many ways giving your partner a signal can help prevent or alleviate a fight. Let's say you have an issue you're struggling with or something went wrong at work and you want to tell your partner. Before you start sharing this information, tell your partner whether you are looking for a 'fixing' or 'feeling' response. Sometimes we just want a little empathy or 'feeling' and aren't looking for any advice. Other times, we want our partner to help us with 'fixing' or solving the issue. It can be very easy to get into an argument when the response is not what we were asking for." — Lindsey Mannon, LCSW, Houston, Texas
