I'm 30 and single. It's a weird state of being. It's not as though I've taken a vow of chastity or sworn off the opposite sex. In terms of how I approach dating, nothing has really changed — for me, anyway. In my mind the only difference is I've just, you know, gotten older. The rest of the world doesn't see it that way. I didn't expect for my age to impact the way other people viewed me. I certainly didn't expect for my numbers to plummet in the world of prospective online dating partners.
But it has! You see, lately, folks have been treating me like I'm a stereotypical spinster. You know, the old lady, loveless but for the affection she shares with her 80 cats. For your information, I've only got three cats and so much love to give. You might know you aren't ready to be written off yet, but some idiots may not agree with you. Read on for 10 Signs You Might Be a Spinster.
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1. You Have Prolonged Conversations With Your Cats
… and they "talk back." If your cat has started giving you sound advice regarding life, god, and the nature of the universe, You Are a Spinster.
2. You Have No Time for PDA
Like, at all. No. It's gross. You save your French kisses for chocolate cake, thank you very much. If you used to coo at couples smooching sweetly while they waited for the bus and now all you want to do is hose them down, You Are a Spinster.
3. You Dress for Comfort
… not style. If you once ran about in negative degree weather in a mini skirt and open-toed shoes but now get cold without thick wool socks, sensible shoes, a puffy coat, a ridiculous hat, and homely scarf, You Are a Spinster.
4. You Go to Bars to Drink
… not to meet guys. If you're flirting with the bartender and it's in the hopes of getting free pickled eggs, not his phone number, You Are a Spinster.
5. A Guy's Hotness Stops Mattering
If your list of standards used to include stuff like "must be over six feet, must have anchor tattoo, must be funny, must do art on the weekends, must be able to write in iambic pentameter," but now it's dwindled to "won't murder me," You Are a Spinster.
6. You've Got a Gayle to Your Oprah
You still live with your best friend from college and you're both over 30. But now for the first time, people are openly questioning your sexuality. If people used to think of you guys as partners in crime but now look at you curiously when she's still your plus one, You Are a Spinster.
7. You've Thought About Adoption
… and/or using a sperm donor. If you used to laugh off the idea of having kids ("let me get my driver's license first, please, I'm a mess," etc.) but now have to be stopped from jealously rubbing the bellies of pregnant strangers, You Are a Spinster.
8. Your Parents' Friends Have Perma-Frowns Around You
While your parents' friends used to be happy to see you, now things have changed. If every time they see you they squeeze your arm and ask you how you are as if someone's died, You Are a Spinster. (Note: John Waters would never judge me. For being a spinster, anyway.)
9. You've Seriously Considered Buying 'Life Alert'
If you've ever tripped over a wine bottle/cut your hand making slice and bake cookies/fallen in the shower and thought "good lord, it's the big one," You Are a Spinster.
10. You've Never Been Happier
If at the end of the day it doesn't matter what the world thinks because you've got a life you love, friends you adore, and a killer sense of humor, You Are a Spinster.
Are you a spinster and proud of it?
