My great wish for all the women of the world is that we carry ourselves with confidence and self love when we're at the pool or the beach. Whatever you've got, wear it like the goddess that you are. But if you're concerned about avoiding humiliation while frolicking half-naked in public, there are a few swimsuit wardrobe malfunctions you should prepare yourself for. Some of these can be avoided, ladies. And some of these others just happen — but you can still maintain your dignity regardless.
8 Bikini Disasters to Avoid
The Wedgie
Is there a cool, classy way to unpick your wedgie? It happens to all of us. Even model Gisele Bundchen was recently caught, ahem, "releasing the Kraken." If this seems to be happening a lot, you may want to reconsider how snug your bottoms are. When these occasions arise, it is a bit more genteel to release the caught fabric from an area as far from your crack as possible — tug from over by your hips. If you have a wall nearby, make your adjustment while standing with your back to the wall. And most of all, just be nonchalant about the whole thing.
Whatever you do, don't do what Jersey Shore's Deena Cortese did.
By the way, don't you just want to chase this poor woman down and inform her of her awkward half-wedgie? Oof!
The Water Slide Reveal
I was at a water park a couple years ago when a fun ride down a water slide shoved one of the triangles of my bikini top all the way over to the side. Fortunately I exposed myself to just a crowd of children who were not even looking at me (I think?). But lesson learned: If I'm engaging in sports or other physical activity, better to wear an athletic swimsuit (like this one, which isn't going anywhere!) or at least something with more coverage than a string bikini.
The Top Disappearing Act
Oh Heidi … When the straps of your bikini come untied or just tear — Oh Dear God in Heaven! Or maybe you were wearing a bandeau-style top to begin with and it falls. What do you do? (Aside from clamping your arms and hands over your chest immediately.) This is why bandeau tops and ocean waves do not mix, first of all. But if you wear a bikini, always pack safety pins just in case. If it comes untied, you can have a friend re-tie (more tightly) while you hold everything together. But if your ties break, that's where you'll need the safety pin to temporarily put it back together. Whatever you do, do not let your top wash away in the ocean. Grab that thing, fast.
There Will Be Blood -- On Your Bikini?
Did you hear the one about the woman who tried on a bikini at Victoria's Secret and found menstrual blood all over the inside? Eww. Supposedly this NEVER happens. But, in case it ever does, definitely tell someone right away so it doesn't happen to anyone else!
But what about when it's your blood? Aunt Flo makes a surprise visit and you have nothing, NOTHING? This is a good reason to stock tampons along with your safety pins. It's the only way. Otherwise, prepare to sit out the rest of the beach outing sitting directly on the sand or on paper towels with a beach towel wrapped around your waist. I don't recommend crafting DIY tampons.
The Top & Bottom Mismatch
It just so happens, depending on what I weigh at the time, I'm a size larger on my bottom. It's pretty common for women — few of us fit a "standard" size. So if you're having trouble getting a suit that fits as well up top as on the bottom, consider mixing and matching a two-piece. If you're not feeling the bikini, there are tank tops that will give you all the coverage you need but with a more customized fit.
The Nip Slip
Oopsie! Oh well, most of the people around you will be delighted at your slip — just keep that in mind. It would be nice if they would also be polite and kindly point it out while they're enjoying the view. Anyway, this is why it's so important that you wear a top that actually fits you. For real.
The Other Slip
We're kind of used to nip slips. But when your bottoms shift … somehow that's worse. I have emerged from the waves only to discover I've got labial leakage. (Oh, and don't forget what happened to Maria Menounos.) That's when I knew I was past due for a new suit. This happens most often when your suit is old and the elastic is worn out, and when you lose weight (even five pounds will make a difference). So every new season, give the suits a once over to make sure they're still clinging where you most dearly want them to.
The Worst Malfunction of All
Better to lose your bikini top than your sense of humor. Accidents happen — to all of us. If you suffer a bikini fail, don't let it ruin your day. Laugh, do whatever repair work you can, and carry on with the fun.
