For most couples, if one of you is not in the mood, the default is no sex. But why? Who ever said that both of you have to be in the mood at the same time in order to have sex? Are you making a big mistake when you pass up an invitation to get intimate? Hoo boy — YES. A huge mistake.
Think about it this way: It's not about putting out just because it's expected or to keep the peace. "A woman needs to take responsibility for figuring out how to get herself to want sex more often," says sex and sensuality coach Rebekah Beneteau. If you haven't seen it already, Michele Weiner-Davis' brilliant TEDx talk on the sex-starved marriage will bring about some major ah-hah moments for both of you.
Here are some compelling reasons why you should have that romp in the hay with your husband even if you're not feeling frisky.
What do you do when one of you is in the mood for sex but the other isn't?
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It Will Put You in the Mood
"The female sexual response cycle relies on direct physical stimulation more often than not, unlike men, who tend to become aroused without physical stimulation," says clinical sexologist Dr. Kat von Kirk. "This means that it behooves women to decide to have sex even when they aren't feeling like it because their arousal generally kicks in after the physical encounter begins."
You'll Feel Happier
Having sex releases the hormones dopamine, which triggers feelings of pleasure, and serotonin, which triggers feelings of happiness.
You'll Appreciate Your Spouse More
Those happiness and pleasure hormones can change how you see your man, says Beneteau. "They help you see and appreciate the good things about him."
You'll Feel Closer to Each Other
But those aren't the only hormones released during sex. "Sexual intimacy and orgasm release oxytocin, the cuddle hormone," says Beneteau. "That hormone creates feelings of connection and cements the bond between people."
Your Relationship Will Feel More Stable
Sex also releases vasopressin. "This hormone is responsible for the nesting instinct," Beneteau says. "It creates feelings of protectiveness, so it helps create stability in relationships."
You'll Handle Your Busy Life Better
That's all great, but what happens when you finish and it's time to get back to work? "Having access to these hormones helps you negotiate with the daily grind," says Beneteau. "You're a lot less likely to argue over whose turn it is to take the trash out when you're feeling close and connected and warmly toward each other." Plus, the love hormones help you see the world through rose-tinted glasses. That optimism helps you take things in stride.
You'll Get Smarter
Sex hormones bring oxygen to parts of our brain that affect memory. This is especially true for women because we have more connections between the right and left hemispheres of our brains.
More from The Stir: 9 Things to Do When You're Too Tired for Sex
It's Good for Your Heart
Your actual physical heart, that is. Stacey Burton, CEO of CouplesChemistry.com, says couples who climax together often have a 50 percent lower risk of death by coronary heart disease. "Conversely," she warns, "the stress of bad sexual relationships has been shown to suppress the immune system, meaning that couples who have bad sexual relationships are less healthy, less productive, and make less money in their careers."
Saying 'No' Every Time Will Cause a Rift
Saying no to sex over and over again, and missing those opportunities to be intimate, will eventually drive you apart. "When men are rebuffed frequently, they stop asking," Beneteau says. And once that happens, none of his alternatives are likely to be good for your relationship.
It's Something Only the Two of You Can Do Together
"Sex is vital to long-term relationships, because no matter how much you love your family, your friends, or your kids, and no matter how much time you spend with them, you won't spend time like this with anyone else," says Dr Anita Clayton, a professor at the University of Virginia's Department of Psychiatric Medicine and author of the book Satisfaction. "Sex is the one activity a couple has that excludes other people. It keeps your bond unique and strong."
Your Husband Wants to Connect With You
It's not just about getting their rocks off. "Men really want to serve and want to feel connected to their woman," Beneteau says. "Making their woman happy in bed is how men keep score on their identity. When you deprive him of that, he begins to doubt himself."
But How?
Okay, okay, okay! We get it! You can't just wait until you're in the mood. You have to go for it. But how?
Beneteau reminds us that you don't have to jump right into the throes of a full-blown sexual encounter. "Start with an intimate connection. Touch each other, snuggle."
No-Strings-Attached Request
Ask for a massage — no strings attached. "Say something like, 'I would love to forge a connection with you. Could we just start with a massage and not promise anything after that?'" suggests Beneteau. Take the pressure of expectations off. Once you're more relaxed, she says, chances are your body will say, "Oh, I do think I want some more of that."
Ultimately this is about you digging underneath your "Mom" responsibilities and stress and finding that source inside that helps you connect with that one special person.
