When we started asking men, sex therapists, and experts what men want in the bedroom but are afraid to ask for, we expected to get a list of wild sex positions and superhuman erotic feats. (And yes, they all want BJs. But you know that already.) What we got instead was way, way more intriguing — and will be good news for women, too.
Here's what men really want in bed.
Use Your Hands More
A lot of men want women to be more physically active in bed — starting with the hands. "I'm sure it's mostly through impulse when my gf does it but she grabs my arms to feel my triceps flexing when I'm on top," says one Reddit user in the AskMen forum. "Sometimes she'll grab my neck and pull my hair if it's long enough. Ass-grabbing if you can reach. When I get closer to her she'll wrap her arms around my back and clench. Makes me feel good and helps me think that I'm doing something right."
Initiate More Often
We hear this one from EVERYONE! "Men are expected to perform all the time and that's not realistic," says Dr. Dawn Michael, clinical sexologist and author of Intimacy Guidebook for Couples. "They don't always want to be the one to initiate sex." When men have to initiate every time, it makes them feel less desirable and can give them performance anxiety.
Try This Thing I Saw in a Porn
"Especially among younger men, porn gives this false sense that that's what sex can or should look like," says Ken Solin, dating expert and author of the forthcoming book Boomer Guide to Finding Love Online. He feels porn is actually poisoning sexual relationships. But talking about fantasies — without necessarily acting on them — can still be helpful. "Talk about sex and what it is that you want, what you need, and what you're willing to give," Solin says. "If you have a deep emotional bond, there's not a lot that isn't sexually viable."
A Judgement-Free Zone
Men want to be intimate with you — and to ask for things — without feeling judged or criticized. Be open and loving. And if you want him to do something differently, Solin suggests instead of saying, "You never …" try, "It would feel great if you would do this."
And DON'T take it personally if he loses his erection. This is so important! "Men, if they are tired or stressed, are not always able to maintain an erection," Michaels says. "If you take it personally, it can create performance anxiety."
Help Me Feel Manly & Competent
Marty Klein, author of Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex & How to Get It, told Salon, "I find from my practice that what a lot of people really want is emotional satisfaction; sometimes it has to do with the connection with their partner and sometimes it has to do with their own sense of themselves. What a lot of people want from sex is to feel youthful, graceful, manly, normal, adequate, or competent."
"Men tend to be sexually dominant and that's not necessarily a bad thing," says Solin. "That doesn't mean one of you is better that the other. You can still be equals."
Nurturing Sex
Dr. Michael says that despite the popularity of Fifty Shades, she sees a very different trend among men. "Some men enjoy when their wives are in control, but not in a harsh way. More in a nurturing way. It's rarely talked about, but they want to be nurtured sexually." She says for men this means wives are intimate, tender, and loving, that they initiate sex and truly enjoy desiring her man. It's sex as caretaking: "That is a huge thing to really desire him and show that desire. Women forget that men are emotional and sex is a huge expression of intimacy."
Love Your Own Body More
This is another one we hear a lot: Men want you to feel more comfortable with your body. "They don't like it when women put themselves down, or make negative comments." It's a turn-off. But what if that's how you really feel? Practice acting as-if. Tell yourself you're hot stuff the way you are.
More from The Stir: 14 Sex Times from Men to Women
Tell Me What YOU Want
"Men like it when a woman is able to show them what turns her on, but not in a way that's putting him down," says Michaels. Here's the key to doing this right: "Take his hand and show him what you like, but don't tell him what you don't like," she advises. "Keep it positive and fun — sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable."
Take Responsibility for Your Pleasure
You can learn a lot about what turns you on through sex. However! Men don't want to be solely responsible for your pleasure. You need to do your own homework. "Women need to take responsibility through masturbation to figure out what they want so they can show their husband what turns them on," Michaels says. Don't make him fumble on his own.
Trust
"Men want trust," says Solin. What does that mean, exactly? "To be completely vulnerable with each other," he says. "Open to pleasing the other person without reservation." Sex that's win-win.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
