He stays up all night watching Internet porn. Cash disappears from your checking account with no explanation. He disappears for hours and then tells lame lies about where he's been. Worse, you have a sexually-transmitted disease and you know you've been faithful. What's going on? Are you married to a sex addict?
Do you suspect your man is a sex addict? Or do you believe that's even a real thing?
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Sex Addiction Is Not a 'Real' Disorder
In 2010 the American Psychiatric Association made their first attempt to define what they call "hypersexual disorder." They listed several symptoms which a patient would have to have experienced for at least six months.
Two years later, the American Psychiatric Association rejected hypersexual disorder from the DSM5, the official handbook of mental health disorders.
But sex addiction is still highly controversial. "People are still coming into the therapist office and saying this is a problem. As a psychologist … I'm going to try to understand what's going on, I'm going to try to help them," research psychologist Roy Reid told Live Science. "That’s true whether it's in the DSM or not."
Get Help Anyway
Regardless of what we call it, there are certain behaviors that can be extremely disruptive to your relationship. Here are the symptoms some psychologists believe could be signs of sex addiction.
If your husband shows these symptoms, and if it's a problem in your relationship, if you're in pain, or if he's in pain, you need to get help. Talk with your doctor or a mental health professional. And remember to leave your judgment behind.
Excessive Time Spent on Sex
The first of these symptoms is spending "excessive" time consumed by sexual fantasies and urges, and planning for and engaging in sexual behavior. What does "excessive" mean? That's not so clear. One person's "excessive" could be another person's "healthy." But one example could be if he stays up until 4 a.m. watching porn.
Sex When He Feels Low
Here's a chilling symptom: He responds to what psychiatrists call "dysmorphic mood states" (like depression, anxiety, and irritability) with sexual fantasies, urges, and activity. In other words, he uses sex to cope with painful or uncomfortable feelings. But what if he does that but manages to stay faithful to you? Would that make a difference?
Sex to Deal With Stress
Similarly, he engages in sexual activity in response to stressful events in his life. Just like how life's worst challenges can trigger binge drinking, overeating, or drug use, it can trigger sexual behavior in some people. So maybe he comes home from a terrible day of work and wants to have sex the minute he walks through the door. But again … if you're not being unfaithful, is that really so terrible? Seems like there could be some grey area here.
He Tries But Can't Quit
Just like with other addictions, a sex addict will try to cut back or quit on his sexual behavior, but fails — over and over again. Maybe you keep catching him in online sex chats, he apologizes, promises he'll never do it again, and then he does it again a few days later. You might want to ask yourself, is it sex addiction, or is this a sign of another problem?
Causing Other People Harm
His engages in sexual behavior with no regard for the physical and/or emotional harm it causes other people. He also disregards the harm his activity causes to himself. For example, he has unprotected sex and passes a disease on to you. Is that sexual addiction, or a sign he's a psychopath?
More from The Stir: 10 Ways to Know Very Quickly If Your Man Is a Psychopath
Sex Gets in the Way of Life
Another sign of sex addiction is that his sexual behavior and fantasies keep him from functioning in his everyday life — to an alarming degree. Maybe he misses the kids' soccer game because he was at home, completely absorbed in a porn-watching binge.
Not Caused by Drugs or Meds
His sexual fantasies, behavior, and urges are not a result of drug use, taking medications, or a manic episode. It's important to rule out those factors, which can have an effect on your libido. But … so many other things in life can affect your libido, too: Weight loss or gain, hormonal fluctuations, unemployment, lack of sleep, exercise, the emotional bond in your relationship, just to name a few.
