It's something a lot of us talk about, but few of us dare to try: An open marriage. How do you make it work? Does it inevitably lead to divorce? Does it prove that monogamy is unnatural?
We talked with Holly, a mom of two in her early 40s who had an open marriage for years. In some ways, it's a lot simpler than you'd think — but it can also be complicated in ways you can't anticipate.
Contrary to the cliche, trying an open marriage was Holly's idea, not her husband's. There wasn't anything wrong with our sex lives," she says, "I was just a little bit bored." This sounds surprising, but the latest research seems to show that it's women, much more than men, who crave novelty and variety in our sex lives.
Friends of theirs were trying it, too, so she said, "I don't think this would be a terrible thing to try …" and to her surprise he was enthusiastic about the idea. "We were in complete agreement over it."
But they had clear boundaries. "We had so many, many rules!" Holly laughs. In the beginning, both she and her husband had to be present during a tryst, and each had veto power over any prospective participant. "It got to the point where there were so many rules it was ridiculous," Holly says. But the rules were overall a positive.
They found participants somewhat organically, hanging out in bars, getting to know other people. "After a while," Holly says, "you develop a radar for people who are into it."
They invited people of either gender — which her husband was fine with. Holly admits sometimes other women would threaten her self esteem a little. "I'd get that feeling, worrying that my husband would like her better than me." But that aside, jealousy didn't enter into the picture.
Holly and her husband are fortunate to live near parents. So they could confine their experiences to weekends when their children (who were ages 3 and 5 when they began experimenting) were away.
It turns out that opening up their marriage actually enhanced their relationship and brought them closer together, at least for the first few years. "It was a new level, something we shared together," she says. "We were super open about it. We talked with each other about all the different aspects, so it really did a lot for our communication skills."
What changed things for Holly and her husband was something that had nothing to do with sex at all. Her husband took a new job that sent him overseas for long stretches of time. It was an opportunity for them to get ahead financially, but it came at a cost.
They changed some of their rules. While her husband was away, they would both be allowed to sleep with whomever they wished. "And that's where we ran into problems," Holly says.
She began sleeping with a family friend, and then she started having feelings for him.
"Then, when my husband would come home, it became a problem," Holly says. Her husband wanted her to stop seeing her lover when he was home. "But he was the only person I wanted to be with, so I started cheating." On top of that, Holly felt a little resentment about her husband's long absences. They were out of debt and were in a much better place, financially. "I felt like he wanted the money more than he wanted to be with me and the kids," she says.
So Holly kept her relationship with her boyfriend a secret from her husband for years, abetted by his frequent absences.
And then, about two years ago, her husband decided to end his work travel. He would be home full time now. She couldn't see herself being happy with her husband again, like before. So she asked for a divorce. "It should have happened earlier, and it would have happened earlier if he'd been around more."
By this time their children had gotten used to Holly's boyfriend as a family friend, and they were in their early teens. To her surprise, when she told her kids about the divorce, her daughter said, "I know you have a boyfriend, but why do you have to get divorced?"
It's amazing the possibilities kids can imagine — sometimes beyond what their parents would ever consider.
But they did divorce, and Holly is now trying to make her relationship with her boyfriend work — without hiding, this time. She doesn't think she'll attempt an open relationship with him. "I think what I learned is you need to have a super strong relationship to make it work," she says. And they have some trust issues because of their history.
Still, she says, she's happier now that she's ever been. And she wouldn't change anything about her past experiments with an open marriage.
Her advice for anyone curious about trying an open marriage is to agree on the rules, first. And realize that at some point, someone is going to want to change those rules. "That's fine, too. Just talk about everything. It's important that everyone knows how everyone feels about everything that's going on."
Do you think you could ever try an open marriage? What would your rules be?
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