Breakups suck, there's no doubt about that. No matter how long two people were together — and sharing their feelings, ideas, and thoughts — ultimately parting ways is never easy. Good thing there's a plethora of advice out there on how to get through a breakup — only, all of that stuff is about romantic breakups. The kind of breakup we're talking about right now is even more painful. We're talking a best friend breakup.
Best friends are the ones who are with us through thick and thin, through coming and going romantic partners, through just about everything.
But for some reason, best friend breakups don't get as much attention as their romantic counterparts. Why? They're just as devastating, if not more. Since best friends provide such overall comfort and security, it can feel particularly isolating that someone so close to us is now gone. But friendship breakups are more common than we think, and they can actually release us from relationships that we didn't realize are either toxic or stunting our growth as a person. It sucks, but like any other breakup, it can be for the better.
We spoke to 15 women to learn more about how and why they broke up with their best friend (and vice versa).
Long-term boyfriend
"I lost a best friend during college. I think it came down to how certain people process priorities in their lives, and also perceive relationships and themselves. My friend and I were extremely close for three years. However, the introduction of a long-term boyfriend caused her to sacrifice her friendships … she felt that it was my responsibility (and the responsibility of her other close friends) to maintain the friendships, and that we would all remain close without effort from her part. That is not what a healthy relationships is made of." – Lisa T.
All about her
"I had a best friend breakup. We were friends for over 20 years … We met in a training class at our church… [she] moved to another state [but] that didn't stop us. We had endless phone conversations and both of us traveled to visit each several times a year, we even went on vacation together … I began to notice it was always her way, the endless hours on the phone was about her life. She began a long-distance relationship with a man one state away from her and I celebrated her. About one year into her relationship, I met a man and oh, things did not go well for my [BFF] relationship; she suddenly had no time to listen to my love story in the making. Well, she exploded on me when our travel plans were interrupted, and she stopped calling. Oh, what a relief. So the answer is she broke it off, and I was very relieved." – Renay B.
Draining energy
"I have gone through a best friend breakup with my best friend that I've known since second grade (I am now 27). We went through elementary, middle, and some of high school together. As adults, we continued to be best friends, although our life paths became very different. However, about two years ago, I started to realize that our friendship was toxic, and instead of being supportive, understanding companions, we became competitive individuals who could never see eye-to-eye. The friendship was draining, and sucked the energy from me. One day, I woke up and decided that our friendship no longer served its purpose. Today, I think of her often and wish her the best. I feel sad that things worked out the way they did between us, especially after so much history together. But I refuse to stay in toxic relationships of any kind, and maybe the breakup is for the best because we outgrew each other." – Angelica H.
Addiction
"My best friend and I broke up on my birthday last year. I don't drink, and he had just broken up with a boyfriend. He was in single mode and was partying quite a bit. … [We were at my birthday party and] the following morning, I realized he was scoring drugs, and he wasn't being discreet about it. He was in addiction mode. I spent the day crying. I had to break up with my best friend." – Ana D.
Miscarriage
"We got pregnant at the same time. I had a miscarriage. I was devastated and went into a depression. She never called or visited and all she could say was that I was not excited enough for her and her pregnancy." – Melissa D.
Former godmother
"The girl and I were friends from 13-24. We lived in the same neighborhood and spent a lot of time together. She was always very stubborn and opinionated, but I let it go and I accepted her for her because she was a good friend. I got pregnant and she planned my baby shower [and] was going to be the godmother. About a month after my daughter was born, she fell off the face of the earth. I miss her and think of her often. Even if she reached out I don't think I could ever be friends with her again. She didn't just turn her back on me, she turned her back on my daughter. Not to mention she randomly cut off our other two best friends who I am still best friends with."
Newborn
"We were friends all throughout high school. We both got into questionable things as we were teenagers. She got into heavy drugs and hanging around 'shady' people, left home, and began living with random friends of hers, sleeping around. I got into a serious relationship and became pregnant. At this point, we would see each other every few months. Once I was pregnant, I knew I couldn't have such a bad influence as a friend of mine knowing I was bringing a baby into the world. She gave me the impression she was clean from the drugs when my son was a few months old, at which point we got together. She fell back to the drugs and everything else and we haven't spoken since. Now she is still using, still living on the streets or with random people and jobless." – Kim M.
Caught cheating
"We had been friends since elementary school and here we are, 19ish, and I saw her boyfriend at the club with another girl, and I took a pic and sent it to her. [She got upset and] I'm the bad one because it was 'me' in the pic and I wanted her man. Totally not the case; we haven't spoken since." – Chrystan B.
Cheating attempt
"One of my closest friends ever from my church — I introduced her to my fiancé when I first started dating him and found out (from him immediately after it happened) that she sent him nudes trying to convince him to dump me. I tried to let it slide, but then when I got pregnant I found out she was talking shit and spreading lies, so I cut her off and left it at that." – Alaina O.
Green with envy
"Grew up with this girl, she was my go-to for EVERYTHING. We both were. But looking back at our friendship, she got jealous over everything successful I did … She has no motivation for anything in life. I tried to help her so many times to get her GED and her driver's license because she beat herself up all the time for being a 'loser' in her eyes because she wasn’t successful. I tried so much. I did so much for her. She never appreciated anything. It hurt finally losing contact with her this last time. Because I finally realized I didn't need anyone in my life or my son's life that can hate everything I do in my life." – Melissa M.
Favors
"I guess we broke up more or less after she left her husband and went back to Maryland. We broke up mainly because I felt like she was starting to tell lies. I didn't know she was breaking up with her husband. All of a sudden, you start seeing these cryptic messages on Facebook. When she was breaking up with her husband, she started asking me for a lot of favors, things like helping her pack when her husband wasn't there or taking care of her kid. The last thing was that she almost implied that she waned to live with me. The thing that broke the camel's back was when she asked me to house her car and I said no, and that was pretty much it." – Jeanine W.
Housewarming
"This was one of my best friends in college, we had gone through many boyfriend breakups together. We moved farther away from each other and were beginning to drift apart and become different people. I invited her to my housewarming party, and she made up an excuse to not come at the very last minute. She reasoned that since I missed a different one of her parties, it was fair to not go to mine. I was upset that night, and we arranged to meet but it never happened and [we] basically just stopped speaking. It seems silly in retrospect, and I'm pretty sure there was already underlying issues." – Marie W.
Busy schedule
"I had a best friend breakup about a year and half ago. Sarah and I had been very close friends for nearly 12 years — in fact, we were more like family. Over the years, she and I had had our share of spats and fights, but we always made up and found forgiveness. Around the time she broke off our friendship, I had begun my online and print magazine … and I had very little time to spare. I tried my best to accommodate her and my burgeoning schedule, but it was too late. After I was unable to make her last-minute flyers for a fashion show she was hosting, she exploded. She cut me off on social media, blocked my number, and sent me a text saying I had no time for her and judged her lifestyle. She said we should temporarily end our friendship. I haven't heard from her since." – Keke E.
Not-so-mutual friends
"I was really close with this girl from college, we were almost inseparable, but she had issues with my other friends not liking her. One day I was caught in the middle of her and another's friend fight, and I tried mediating things but she accused me of picking sides. We argued over text, and then I had enough and just stopped replying. We went cold-turkey on each other. It's probably not the most mature way to end a friendship, but I feel like she was regularly draining energy from me." – Nicole L.
Canceled plans
"It was over the holidays and my best friend was supposed to come visit my parents' house on his way over to Asia. I ended up getting the flu and told him I was unable to host him. He didn't like that one bit and accused me of not wanting him to come over at all and that I was inconsiderate [of] his travel plans. We basically didn't speak again after that phone call." – Rebecca W.
