Grief can be a tricky, delicate thing. No two people experience loss the same way, which can mean that for some of us, our pain is evident just by looking at our faces; for others, the devastation is buried deep within. To outsiders, this may not always make sense, and in some cases, even be pretty confusing. But for one woman on Reddit, her friend's grief process has been more than just a little confusing — it's been pretty concerning.
The woman was looking for some advice on how to relate to her friend, who she believes is in deep denial.
In her post, she explained "Elisa" is her closest friend, and that her husband passed away just three months ago. But "ever since, Elisa's been acting weird," the woman wrote. In fact, she's been acting like "she's never been married."
For one thing, Elisa doesn't refer to herself as a widows — instead, she refers to her deceased husband as her "ex."
"She only says she's not with her ex-boyfriend anymore," she said. "Last week, a guy flirted with her during one of her classes (she's doing her masters degree) and, even though she said she's not interested, she said she would love to get married someday."
Although the Reddit poster doesn't deny that her friend was "deeply" in love with her late husband, she's finding her behavior now to be a little alarming.
"I'm not sure if she's dealing with her grief in a healthy way," the woman continued. "She never missed a day at work or a class and she's been working harder than ever after his death."
That said, she claims that she's not trying to judge her friend — just merely wants to help her.
"She's my best friend, we grow up together and I really want to help her, but I don't know what to do," she concluded.
Many people who commented told the writer that things may not be quite what they seem right now.
Some attributed her denial to a coping mechanism. After all, they argued, sometimes it's just easier not to say anything than to have to explain.
One woman shared her own story as an example of this.
"I lost my fiancé 20 years ago when he passed away in a boating accident," she wrote. "It was exhausting constantly having to explain things and I would often times cry while trying to do so.
"It became easier to brush over it with new people that didn't know," she continued. "I cried in private and put on a brave face in public, often referring to him as my ex because the alternative was something I couldn't handle."
Another person could also relate, and shared this story of loss. "I lost my fiancé five years ago. Well five years Saturday," the person wrote. "I did the same thing. It's just a way to cope."
"Could she be phrasing the situation as an 'ex' relationship to avoid unnecessary talks about the details with others?" another person wondered. "I would think people tend to ask fewer questions about your last relationship than they would about a tragic death."
There were also plenty of other people who offered the writer some blunt (but perhaps necessary) advice: Back off.
"Ugh. Leave her alone," one commenter wrote. "You don't know the 'right' way to grieve, and she doesn't sound self-destructive. This is about you, and it's gross."
"Don't make the way your friend grieves your obsession," another person advised. "If she needs help she can bring that forward."
Another commenter matter-of-factly told her: "Mind your business."
Later in the thread, the woman ultimately agreed that her friend was most likely coping with her grief the only way that she could.
"I'm just a bit worried about her mental and emotional health," the original poster admitted. "She was there for me through my breakup with my abusive boyfriend and supported me through it all. I just want to make sure she's okay, now that it's my time to support her."
Ultimately, though, she agreed that she should pull back and let her friend deal with things in her own time.
"I'll just make sure she knows I'm here for there for whatever she might need," she said.
In the end, that's really all she can do.
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