Anyone who has planned a wedding knows that they're stressful. Even if the marriage part isn't the worry, planning a big event is a lot of work — and they rarely come together without some stress point. Add in any type of family conflict or misunderstandings, and the planning can go from fun to dreadful in the blink of an eye.
One bride-to-be is feeling the stress of her upcoming wedding and is debating whether she's going to "disinvite" her own parents after they made insulting comments about her 6-year-old soon-to-be niece.
A woman (OP) took to Reddit's AITA community to ask if she would be in the wrong if she told her parents they were not welcome to attend her wedding.
"I'm getting married next year and we want my fiancé's 6 year old niece to be our flower girl," OP began her post. "She is autistic and when she's excited or there's a lot going on she often fidgets, chews on things, flaps her hands, picks at things, and jumps."
OP wrote that her soon-to-be niece "doesn't have huge problems with social situations," and in speaking with the girl's parents, they say that both themselves and their daughter's therapist are "confident she won't get overwhelmed."
The 6-year-old is "extremely excited for the wedding and for being a flower girl," and OP noted that she talks about it every time she sees the future bride and groom.
Both she and her groom-to-be are excited about her being in the wedding, but not everyone feels that way.
"When my family met her for the first time my parents took me aside and quietly suggested she might be overwhelmed by the wedding and we should reconsider her being a flower girl or even attending," OP wrote.
OP tried to reassure her parents that the girl's parents and therapist are confident she will be just fine and they have things in their plans to make things easier if she does become overwhelmed.
"They then admitted they were worried about her bothering or distracting people with her movements or noises," OP posted. "The words my mum used were 'annoying' and 'weird.'"
OP then found out that her dad spoke to her niece's parents, and it didn't go too well.
"Later it turned out my dad had also mentioned their concerns to her parents, her dad had snapped at him, and my dad got mad and using a slur to refer to her behaviour."
OP wrote that her dad did apologize immediately and noted, "he was just stressed and angry and blurted it out, but I'm appalled he would even think to say that, especially about a child."
The bride-to-be explained she "told them off for it" and "apart from the occasional 'we do think you should reconsider'" comment, she hasn't spoken much to them. Her parents are still around and helping with the wedding planning, and have on occasion told the niece to be quieter when she was "making noise" and "I've caught my mum telling her to not flap her hands."
OP says her parents try to justify what they're saying, but things are getting really out of hand.
"In one conversation we were talking about our colour scheme and I mentioned that the flowers we'd chosen for her to carry would match nicely with the chewable dinosaur necklace she wears, and in front of her my dad said she couldn't wear the necklace because it was ugly and she'd look ridiculous, which made her cry," OP wrote.
"Even though I've explained to my parents that messing with her ways of emotional regulation is likely to cause an outright meltdown, they won't stop discouraging her behaviours."
OP notes, "we're considering giving them the ultimatum that if they don't stop I'll disinvite them. It's a drastic thing to do as I really do want my parents there and they're exited to see their only child get married."
She asked the Reddit community if she would be in the wrong if she disinvited them, if it got to that point.
"Nta, your parents are actively ignoring therapists and think they know better than the therapist and her parents," one commenter wrote. "They are actively harmful to the child as you mentioned discouraging her emotional regulation. If someone's grandmother had an air tank would they suggest she not use it at a wedding because it's ugly?"
"NTA. Tell them they need to keep their mouths shut. It's your day, not theirs," another person commented. "I canceled all of my wedding plans, disinvited every single person from both my family and my wife's, and went and got married on a beach by ourselves due to frankly sh—ier behavior. It's been 10 years we've been married now, and tell ya what. They all got over it."
A third person offered a different perspective — the flower girl's.
"NTA, I'm autistic and you are doing everything right here," the person wrote. "If the child was going to have a meltdown, and that meltdown would be disruptive and physically destructive, I would understand if you didn't change the entire wedding to accommodate her. But that's totally irrelevant here, it sounds like she fits right in.
"Your niece's parents have accepted her and got her support (which isn't saying that there is anything wrong with her) and they have communicated that clearly to you rather than just expect people to know what she needs," the person continued. "There will be someone responsible for her who is educated about what gives her sensory overload and how to manage that and help her handle the excitement of the event."
Hopefully, this situation works out for the best.
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