One thing I've learned from the swipe left, swipe right generation is that not all apps are for me. My Tinder foray only gives me a brotha every 10 to 15 swipes. Plenty of Fish guys are mostly older dudes that are never going to settle down or those looking for the Netflix and "chill." The other sites aren’t much better: They all seem to have this other epidemic happening.
OKCupid's co-founder, Christian Rudder, found that Black women are the least likely to get a response from all races of men, but are the most likely to write a message. During my years writing about dating, I've spoken to hundreds of women of color about their experience with dating apps and they all seem to have similar sentiments.
To put it plainly, as one woman did, "It seems like the men aren’t really checking for us on those apps."
This may be why, despite the glitches and the occasional fuck boy, Black dating apps have become my oasis. After a lukewarm experience swiping 30 men lacking melanin before I got to one of color, getting fetishized messages about my skin complexion, and men who didn’t respond after matching, I decided to try something new.
All dating ventures have their flaws and their advantages, but here are 10 things I've learned from Black dating apps.
It’s all about you.
No, seriously. Although the Bae app welcomes everyone, their tag-lines hint something else: "Where people of color, meet, chat, and date." "A dating app for us."
The men that sign up for an app for people of color are clearly there for women with melanin. I was immersed in matches, upon trying it out, and found myself on dates with guys who knew exactly what they wanted before they signed up.
Algorithms are everything.
I don't really know how curating matches works for apps like Bae. However, the more I swiped and matched, the better the app became at showing me folks I'd be interested in.
One night I'd be conversing with Marcus who worked in "sales" and wanted to kick it. (He didn’t work in sales, y'all). In the next few days I'd be chatting with Malachi, a pharmaceutical sales rep and Emory University graduate.
The folks that popped up for me to swipe got a little better each time, as I unmatched the men I wasn't interested in and continued to converse with gentlemen who intrigued me.
Just because he's wearing a business suit, doesn't mean he's about his business.
Meld is a dating app for Black professionals. The app uses Linkedin to verify that you're a professional and also uses Facebook to show other items you and a prospective match have in common.
The app seemed perfect. At the time I was using Meld, I was working in a corporate setting and never had enough time to go out and meet new folks.
First swipe.
Someone in my circle.
Nope.
Second swipe.
Someone that worked at my job.
Hell no.
Third swipe.
Oh, hello there.
I'd gotten lucky on the third try. I met Robert at a nice bar uptown where we planned to sip on cocktails and get to know each another. He was in law school, interning at a firm, and the creases in his suit were almost as sharp as his jawline. Whew.
I was enamored. His voice was sultry and every woman in the room noticed him. We talked for an hour and he was interesting, until I noticed that he was knocking his alcohol back a little too quickly. After three whiskey-heavy drinks, Robert threw up on the restaurant floor and excused himself. By the time he returned, I was gone.
He couldn't hold me, if he couldn't hold his liquor.
But sometimes you hit the jackpot on themed apps.
I also met Tyrone, a financier, via Meld and we're still great friends to this day. He moved to Los Angeles three months after we met and we decided that it wouldn’t be smart to start a relationship 3,000 miles apart.
& sometimes you'll just end up finding good friends.
However, before his move, he'd become someone that I could talk to about my struggles in the workplace. We had similar experiences, some that included passive aggressive comments about our race, and it was good to have someone that understood, in my life.
*sings Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime"*
If his profile is empty, his heart probably is too.
I know, I know. The sentiment is a bit harsh, but I've tested my theory several times and it's never failed. Most guys that fill out their profile in full are truly trying to date and weed out women that it wouldn't work out with.
But if that's your thing…
The dude with, "NYC. Looking for a gal. I don't write profiles, just inbox me," with his abs out? He just wants to hit it. (If that's what you're looking for, by all means, inbox him).
Just because you met him on a Christian app, doesn’t mean he’s a saint.
Self-explanatory.
Just meet, already.
This can be said of all apps, but according to "Swiped," the CBS documentary on dating apps, you have about four weeks to meet someone before they've conjured this unrealistic idea of who you are.
You've spent enough time being ignored on other apps… go out, have fun.
Enjoy yourself. Don't get your expectations too high. Enjoy the melanin.
