I was born with a cleft lip. And while I consider myself to be body positive (I mean, I do write about it for a living), it's not something that I can look at in the mirror and always feel thrilled about.
While most people I meet don't notice it or choose to not comment on it, I grew up with that area looking red, scarred, and uneven. Now that the only thing that remains is a scar and an uneven Cupid's bow, it looks less like a birth defect and more like I just can't put on lipstick properly.
That's also the reason why I totally avoid red lipstick.
As a little kid, I was teased for my "abnormal" lips.
The cleft in my lip nearly went up to the bottom tip of my nose. When I was a baby, my family took the train to Moscow (we're from a small town in Russia) to stitch it back together.
The stitches eventually came off, the redness began to fade, and my lip started to somewhat even itself out. However, kids would still ask why my face "looks like that" or if it "hurt" to breathe, or eat, or drink.
Here it is, up close in all its glory.
Red lipstick is synonymous with sex appeal, attention, and showstopping confidence.
I normally don't have a problem with any of the above, but the idea of putting that kind of attention on my lips always seemed off. To me, red was a color that looked good on girls with full, totally symmetrical lips — not on someone whose mouth won't close properly.
As I got older, the lip somewhat evened out, but wearing red lipstick was still off the table.
I was super jealous of my friends that could swipe on a bright lip and somehow instantly look so put-together. Instead, I learned how to do a decent cat eye and make my eyes pop.
I'd even pull out a black lipstick with ease.
I've rocked bright blue, green, purple, and black lipstick before, but red is a color that I never quite felt suited me.
While a black or equally dark lipstick is still attention-grabbing, it's more avant-garde than painting your lips red. Dark lipstick screams artsy and cool, while red lipstick is just the epitome of sex appeal. To me, "sex appeal" and an "uneven lip" didn't really go hand-in-hand.
Putting on red lipstick, especially in front of the camera for this story, made me uncomfortable.
I had to physically restrain myself from over-lining my Cupid's bow to make it appear even, full, and lush. I'm so used to coloring outside of my lip lines, I could've given Kylie Jenner circa 2014 a run for her money.
I didn't immediately feel comfortable with it.
I initially kept turning away from the photographer and from anyone who spoke to me that day. It felt weird leaving the confines of an office filled with supportive and body positive women and stepping out into the "real world," where I was convinced I would be greeted with strange looks.
However, I couldn't help but kind of love it.
I rocked my red lip the whole day (the fact that it was an ultra-matte, stay-all-day lip stain definitely helped me out). I even felt bold enough to wear a red lip the next day in a creamier formula.
This might be the start of something terrible for my bank account.
While I still feel a little shy about wearing a red lip out in the world, I've been experimenting more with different formulas, finishes, and shades. I might not be a red lipstick expert yet, but I'm pumped to add more to my current lipstick collection. After all, a girl can only have SO many nudes.
