Although Mother’s Day is usually a happy holiday associated with flowers, cards, and brunch, this holiday can bring up an array of mixed emotions for women who have lost a parent or a child or who are struggling with fertility. For such people, Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder of anger, pain, sadness, and grief.
We spoke with health professional Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, a psychotherapist with LifeStance Health on ways to cope with intense emotions during certain holidays and find comfort.
For mothers struggling with infertility.
Understandably, for a couple trying to get pregnant and struggling, it is normal for holidays like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day to feel triggering or isolating.
“I’d recommend having a plan as to what will be most comforting if difficult emotions arise,” Patel-Dunn tells us. “For example, it may be helpful to fill the day with activities and distractions, or you might prefer to relax at home and observe some distance from the holiday. Either way, planning ahead before the day arrives can help you feel more equipped to cope with those challenging emotions.”
Patel-Dunn also says it could be helpful to avoid social media leading up to and on Mother’s Day. She also recommends opening up about your feelings to a loved one, friend, or mental health professional, as long as you feel comfortable sharing. Having a support system in place is extremely beneficial for overall mental health.
For mothers who have lost a child.
It's a topic almost too painful to think about, but sadly, many mothers have experienced the loss of a child. It’s unbearable to even imagine, but for those who have become mothers only to have that joy taken away through cruel fate, this holiday can bring pain and grief.
We all experience grief differently and may need different things. That being said, here are a few suggestions from Patel-Dunn on ways a grieving parent may want to navigate Mother’s Day while honoring their child:
• Call family or friends and talk to them about your child. Some people might be hesitant to bring up your child because they don’t want to upset you. If talking about and remembering your child with loved ones is something that comforts you, this can be a wonderful way to honor them. Often, people feel comfort in sharing stories about their child with those who knew and loved that child. Celebrating memories of what you enjoyed doing with your child can be a way to honor your mother-child relationship.
• Join a support group with others who are experiencing the same journey. Having people available who have experienced a similar loss and can relate to you can be extremely helpful during triggering holidays such as Mother’s Day.
• Connecting with a therapist. Whether you are actively in therapy, haven't tried it in years, or have never seen a therapist in your life, it can be very powerful to share your experience and be heard.
For women who have lost a mother.
Remembering a parent who has died can feel comforting on days like Mother’s Day. I lost my Grandma Nettie over 20 years ago, yet I still think of her every day, even more so on Mother’s Day.
Patel Dunn says we can honor a parent who has died by doing her favorite activity, going to her favorite place, making her favorite food, or even just talking about her with loved ones. For me, talking about Grandma Nettie is comforting. I love sharing my memories of all the beautiful experiences we had and acknowledging the wonderful impact she had on my life.
Patel-Dunn says that if Mother’s Day is too emotional, it’s OK to acknowledge your mother at another time. Ultimately, it’s important to be gentle on yourself and not feel obligated to do anything that doesn’t feel right.
“As I reflect back on the first Mother’s Day after my mother died, I remember feeling very numb and saddened as even though she had died nine months prior,” Dr. Patel-Dunn shares. "It was a reminder of my loss and not a very happy day for me. I did find comfort in talking with people who knew her well and loved her as much as I did.
"As the years passed and I had my own children, I still struggled with the reminder of the void of no longer having my mother present in my life," she adds. "This year on Mother’s Day, I look forward to honoring my mother as I see that she lives on in me through my relationship with my daughters. I can now share stories with them and fondly remember the times I cherished over the years with my own mother, realizing I am creating my own memories with my own children.”
The most important thing to remember when facing Mother’s Day is to do so on our terms and do what feels best for us and our emotions.
Patel-Dunn says not to feel pressure to act a certain way to make others more comfortable or to hide how you are feeling. She says that if doing nothing on Mother’s Day feels right, then you should feel no guilt in doing nothing. If asking for support in remembering a child or a mother is what feels best to you, lean on your network.
Most importantly, know you are not alone. Sadly, many women are emotionally triggered by Mother’s Day for a number of painful reasons. Do what you feel is best for you without going outside your comfort zone. On this day, it’s OK to put your needs first.
*Disclaimer: The advice on Cafemom is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
