When planning for a family, parents try to prepare in any way they can. From finding a larger home, to picking out the perfect car, to reading through thousands of baby names and imagining who their little one will be — so much goes through your mind (and gets added to your to-do list) when you decide to have a child.
What parents rarely prepare for before having a baby? The idea that it could potentially be really, really difficult to conceive. Infertility, or the inability to conceive a child after one year of trying, affects millions of couples around the world every year. Despite how common this issue is, it is often so shrouded in shame and grief that women feel they must struggle in silence — hiding their pain and deflecting the endless questions.
We interviewed women who’ve struggled with infertility, and here’s what they wish everyone knew about their experiences.
It Is Incredibly Common
About 12% of women in the US between the ages 15 and 44 have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
“I wish everyone knew that there were so many of us out there. Infertility is so much more common than people think, and that’s unfortunately due to the fact that so many women feel as if it is something they should hide. Just because we need help, doesn’t make us any less of a woman.” — Jessica B.
It Can Come as a Shock
“I always planned on having a family of my own. What I didn’t plan on, was having trouble conceiving. My husband and I were determined to have children, so although it wasn’t easy for us, we found the right doctor and got on the right track.” — Michele C.
They Appreciate a Check-In
“When I started IVF after a long journey of infertility, I reached out to some of my close friends to let them know. A few continued to check in with me as I went through the process, but most stayed silent. I think they probably didn’t know what to say or how to help, but I wish more people knew that I truly needed their support, to know they were cheering for me and were there for me … even if they didn’t think they knew the ‘right’ things to say. Infertility is lonely, and when I reached out to invite people into this lonely place with me, I wish they would have been more receptive, because I really needed more support.” — Laura S.
Questions Can Be Triggering & Uncomfortable
“Every time that someone asked me when I was going to have another child, I would think about every single thing I had done that hadn't worked, whether it be an IUI that had failed (I had five failed attempts) or going the ‘old-fashioned way’ of tracking my cycle and it not working out. It made me feel like my motherhood journey was only defined by the success of getting pregnant the first time. Every time someone asked me, I felt like a failure. I felt the need to explain myself, make the conversation longer or harder for either me or the person asking or for both of us.” — Jessica B.
The Process Is Extremely Expensive
The average cost of one round of in vitro fertilization in the US ranges from $11,000 to $12,000, according to the Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago. While other fertility treatments can be less expensive, they are also less effective and still add up.
“Infertility is extremely expensive. You’re spending thousands and thousands of dollars for something that only has a 50/50 chance of even working!” — Jackie B.
Don't Make Light of Their Struggle
“Saying things like, ‘Just relax and it will happen’ is not helpful. Relaxing isn’t going to make my eggs 10 years younger. Saying things like, ‘You can just adopt’ is also not helpful. Adoption is not an easy process. Don’t tell people struggling with infertility that at least they can sleep late and go out, and to ‘enjoy it now.’ A person struggling with infertility wants nothing more than to be woken up by a crying baby! — Jackie B.
Infertility Can Make Them Question Their Self-Worth
“I wish everyone knew that going through infertility doesn’t make you weak and that sometimes people need help. It’s OK to go through the means necessary to help along the process. I know for myself the disappointment that I couldn’t conceive without some help made me feel like less of a woman and that isn’t how anyone should be meant to feel.” — Anonymous
Secondary Infertility Is Real
According to Mayo Clinic, secondary infertility is the inability to conceive a child or carry a child to term after previously giving birth.
“Secondary infertility is so tough to understand. You have zero control over your fertility, but after a successful and healthy first pregnancy, secondary infertility made me question how it was even possible to be pregnant the first time. The endless blood tests, Clomid cycles, IUIs, ovulation strips, and [worrying about] what can come next made me so anxious. All the while I kept being asked, 'So do you want to give your son a sibling?” I would hold back tears every time someone asked me that. — Jessica B.
Their Bodies Are Put Under Enormous Strain
“It took me a very long time to get pregnant with my daughter and it was a difficult road. I suffered for three years from endometriosis, underwent three surgeries, took endless negative pregnancy tests, experienced failed IUIs, a failed IVF, and a miscarriage.” — Jackie B.
They Become Numb to Bad News
"My experience with secondary infertility made me a stronger person, but it also broke my heart for a solid three years. I got used to bad news, and when we did get good news, I had a hard time processing it and believing it.” — Jessica B.
They Are in a Constant State of Grief
“Women who go through infertility are not just grieving having a baby the ‘fun’ way. We are grieving being able to get pregnant with our husband in the room, due to COVID or clinic restrictions. We are grieving being able to be surprised by pregnancy. We are grieving what our bodies used to be like, due to months or years of hormone treatments. We are grieving being able to be elated when we find out we are pregnant, knowing that our history of miscarriage is looming in the background. The worst part of infertility or IVF isn’t the shots. Shots are easy compared to everything we lose in the process.” — Erin B.
Many Are Mourning a Child They Never Met
In addition, women who have endured a miscarriage are grieving a very real child they never got the chance to know.
“I miscarried in 2019, and every time someone asked me if I wanted another child, I thought about the baby I lost. Miscarriage is unbelievably hard to have endured.” — Jessica B.
The Process Can Make Them Lose All Hope
“An IVF failure is the one of the most difficult things anyone can go through. To know that this was your last option and then have that not even work is devastating. You not only lose a baby with an IVF failure but you also lose the hope of it ever happening.” — Jackie B.
Sharing Experiences Helps Them Feel Less Alone
"I want women to know that it is OK to reach out for help, to share your struggles, and to open up to people about what you’re going through. No one should walk this path alone." — Jessica B.
"It is OK to ask for help. The more I speak to people about their struggles, the more comfortable I am sharing my experiences with infertility." — Anonymous
They Don't Take One Single Moment for Granted
“As difficult as the journey was, I do feel [my experience with infertility] made me the mother I am today. I don’t take anything for granted and truly feel I treasure each and every moment because of my experiences. [Now that I’m a mother of two,] I feel as though I’m living my dream come true!” — Jackie B.
