In most marriages, there’s one person who is more responsible for everything and another one who gets to be a little more taken care of. In the past, men typically earned more than their female counterparts, and in the marriage the husband controlled the finances while their wives took care of the home and the children. I knew that I didn’t want that kind of relationship.
Let’s be honest, in relationships someone always has to take the initiative and responsibility to be the adult — just like one parent gets to be the fun parent and the other gets to discipline.
Well, usually one person gets to be in charge of finances while the other doesn’t have to worry about every single dollar spent. Money is power in the world, so handling the family finances should be a power move. The person in the marriage controlling the money is the boss, right? Maybe not.
I grew up in a home where my dad handled all the finances.
My mom was a full-time stay-at-home mom while my dad worked and provided financially for the family. My mom had no input or say into how the money was spent, no access to the checking account, and no idea how much money we had. My dad bought houses and cars without ever considering or consulting her.
I told myself that there was no way that I would be in that kind of relationship. The fact that my mom was completely financially dependent on my father for everything in her life scared me. What if he left her? What would she do then? How would she survive? What could she do?
So about a year into our marriage, after a couple of credit card late fees, I took over responsibility for all the finances.
Looking back, it may have been one of the worst suggestions of my life regarding my mental well-being. Honestly speaking, I’m a very Type-A personality with no patience and I hate depending on others to do things for me.
On top of all of that, I thrive when I feel that I can control a situation. It gives me a sense of comfort and security. In addition to that, not knowing if my bills are paid on time induces a lot of stress for me.
I am a list-making, control freak, and I need to know what’s being paid, when, how, and how much money I have left over to play with.
I grew up in a very blue-collar household, and financial stability is very important to me. But sometimes, I wish I could just give the responsibility of the finances back to my husband, an accountant, or anyone else who I could trust to take care of things. But I really don’t think I could survive the anxiety of not knowing what was going on financially in my own home.
In the beginning, I thought taking the reins of our finances would alleviate some of my stress and anxiety over money because I’d know exactly what was going on with our finances.
I mistakenly believed that I’d have peace of mind knowing that all my bills were paid on time and my credit was in good standing. Instead, what’s happened is that I know every single penny that is being spent, where it goes, and how much I have in the bank accounts at all times, and it is unbelievably stressful having that knowledge.
The stress comes from knowing that every cent I spend is potentially taking it away from something else. For example, if we go on vacation that means watching how much we spend on eating out. If we spend on the credit cards, that means paying interest, which in the long run makes the purchase price even more than if we bought it with cash, therefore costing us more money overall.
Every bit of this stresses me out. A vacation can’t be peaceful when you know that you should have spent the money on something more logical like paying down your student loans or saving for retirement. But at the same time, people who have tight budgets probably need vacations more than everyone else.
My husband gets to live his life completely oblivious to the minute-by-minute play by play of where each dollar is spent.
He doesn’t have to think twice before filling up his tank, putting money into the kids’ meal payment accounts, or ordering something on Amazon. He doesn’t have to worry or even consider whether he can afford tuition this month because this is the month when the mortgage, tuition, car payment, and student loans all fall into the same pay period.
My husband doesn’t have to take that gray hair hit. I do and I chose this.
We don’t argue over money because we know that money is something we can do without; our relationship is more important than things. However, when I’m stressed out about the finances, I tend to be more short with my husband and the girls when they ask for things like eating out or to go shopping because I know we are strapped, even when they don’t.
I hate that about me. But the stress is worth it to me to know that the bills are paid on time and that they don’t have to worry about every cent we spend.
Who’s in charge of the finances in your home? If it’s you, do you feel more stressed or less stressed scheduling and paying all the bills on your own?
